How to Be a Person: Sleep With Your Professor for a Better Grade

teacher-clipart-ncE74e57iSchool is hard. You know this, I know this. You hate this, I hate this. It’s easy to be all like “I’m gonna get so ahead on my work and kill this course” at the beginning of the semester, but right now you haven’t done any work and are starting to fear for your grade. Worry not, there’s a way around this. You just need to follow a few simple steps and you’ll be fine. Sometimes you need to take the D to get an A if you know what I mean (puns aside, this guide is meant not only for students looking to get it on with teachers possessing “Ds” it should work just fine for professors with all types of pubic meat).


Do poorly in the course

This part is kind of a no brainer. If you’re ready to undergo the exciting and gratifying adventure of sloppily boning your instructor, you want it to be worth it, know what I mean? As such, it behooves you to be doing very poorly in whatever class you’re trying to raise your marks in. So goof off, you gotta fuck up if you want to fuck your grade up, right?

Touch yourself in class

So you’re officially getting a shitty grade, now you have to get your prof’s attention and cultivate some baseline arousal. What better way to do this than to let your nice teacher know that you find their lecturing style so captivating that it makes you feel the need to smash your clumsy hands against your dirty little genitals. As tempting as it may be, don’t go full Gapsturbator on this one. You have to be subtle or else your run the risk of getting into regular trouble when you want to get into *big* trouble. A simple hand brushing around the general vicinity of your fleshbits and a flushed expression should do.


Go to office hours

This is key. Pick out an outfit that complements your perky young ass and makes you look oh so muscular. If you’re doing this right it should seem like all of this is happening subconsciously. Your professor should think that porking your tight little body is their idea, otherwise they might get suspicious and will be significantly less likely to feel guilty, which as we will see later is going to be key.

Offer to house-sit

If the above strategy proves fruitless you’re going to have to go one step further. Steal your professor’s calendar and see when they’re going on vacation. Find some way to incapacitate the “good” students in their department (poison works well, as do fake phone calls regarding illnesses in the family). Make it clear to your gentle instructor that you’re the *only* one left and that you’ll take *good, good* care of their home, pets and belongings. Repeat steps two and three when they come back to relieve you. It’ll work. 


Get all visibly aroused and stimulated, think about your current lover and/or twisted fantasies if you need to. You want to make them feel competent, so at least try to act like you’re doing this because you dig punching your genitals against those of brainy adults. Say stuff like “You’re so much better than all of my peers at mashing bits and mixing pelvic fluids,” and “You’re like the mother/father I never had, I would do anything for you.” If you do it right they’ll feel all young again and delighted.

Gauge their response and act accordingly

This is very important, you need to figure out whether they’ll be more likely to award you a post *bump* grade bump on the basis of sympathy or guilt. If they appear affectionate and intimate post act, start crying about your grade. Hopefully the strange bonding chemicals that release after they tenderize your junk will cause them to feel sufficiently altruistic to say “oh, I think we can work something out.” If, on the other hand, they are visibly uncomfortable, try to leave immediately after the baguette boogie, or instruct you to “never tell anyoneyou have to dive in for the kill. Tell them that incidents like this have the potential to ruin their career or at very least keep tenure out of their grasp. Tell them that if they don’t give you a much needed grade boost you’ll go straight to the administration. Show them your best traumatized face and let them know it will work. You’ll be cruising for a good mark in no time.

Hope this helps :)


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