These Lords are hiding some pretty big secrets.

Kenyon’s athletes are cool, we get it. The Women’s Lacrosse team routinely kicks booty. The Men’s Swim Team has proven their worth for the 34th year in a row. Even though you know their stats, you definitely don’t know these fun facts about your student athletes.

1. 50% of Kenyon swimmers have gills. No wonder they’re so fast, these people don’t even need to breathe! One in two of your Water Lord and Ladies were born to sea-wenches, whose cries have pierced my dreams and every waking thought for the last two decades. In the deep sea caves of the Mediterranean, the first full moon after the Summer Solstice means that the sea-wenches have bore the newest fleet of Kenyon swimmers. Because of their non-traditional water birth, these swimmers have adapted (rather quickly, I might add!) by growing gills. It makes sense, too – have you ever seen a swimmer out of water?
2. 1/3 Men’s Rugby Players is really just a sack of skin filled with dead bugs. You heard it here first, folks! One of Kenyon’s best kept secrets has been revealed. Remember all those Asian Beetles you tried to kill back in Fall Semester? Well, they’re out on the rugby pitch scoring some tries in the guise of your best man rugger friend. It’s okay, though. Even though these bugmen aren’t as sentient as they once were, they still know how to tackle!
3. The entire Tennis team is just a pack of wolves. I mean, this one should’ve been pretty obvious. Pack mentality, routinely howling at every Full Moon, and always scratching their ears with their back paws? C’mon, Tennis team. You’re not fooling me! But don’t treat them any differently because of it – they still love that scratch behind the ear you always gave them after they brought back freshly-killed, still-bleeding deer.
4. 1/2 of all Kenyon athletes are John Green. It’s a metaphor, you see, you give John Green the power to play the game but you never take him off the bench. Also, if you look really closely at the field, during every game of every sport you can see a very small and very naked Josh Radnor screaming for the ball. Nobody can hear him, though, so that’s why you never see him scoring goals or touchdowns or whatever. He’ll catch a break someday.
5. Most, if not all, of Kenyon’s Men’s Ultimate Frisbee team are actual real Serfs. It’s not just a clever mascot – it’s their livelihood! After a long day of being exploited and working out in the fields, these serfs like to unwind with some R&R – that is, Running and Running after frisbees! Now, возвращайся к работе. Ha ha ha!