Hey how’s your housing lottery number? Is it good? I hope you get that place you were hoping for. You know, the one with the bed. I didn’t get a number, unfortunately. Something about “You are not currently enrolled at this institution and need to leave immediately.” I’m not sure what that means. If you know, please tell me. I don’t want to live in Mather for the 14th straight year. It’s the Friday Ketchup.

On Tuesday, Rand Paul announced he is pursuing the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential nomination. Paul follows in the footsteps of his father, Ron, who has campaigned several times for the GOP nomination to no avail. I for one will not be voting for Mr. Paul. America deserves more out of a president than someone who has two first names. Those Washington bozos think they’re so great they need more names than the rest of us regular Joes. Besides, President Paul just sounds silly. Thanks, but no thanks, Randy.

A massive recall of Sabra hummus was announced this week due to fears of Listeria contamination. Obviously, any news of a food dip recall hits close to home here at the Friday Ketchup. This is what happens when you get all crazy with what you put on your food, though. A bunch of weird foreign stuff like hummus is bound to be unsafe. I bet that Sriracha sauce all the kids are crazy about these days is bad for you, too. I’ll be fine just sticking to my mayonnaise and barbecue sauce, thank you very much. I know those are safe. And American.

Okay guys, you know what to do. Please leave now, because the Friday Ketchup is done and there’s no more news to tell. Close the webpage on your way out. Thanks.