On the wire. Down to the final straw. Life is one big series of deadlines, one after the other. Mostly on Moodle, occasionally on turnitin.com. Deadlines sneak up on you like vampires stalking their prey. Or gazelle. Or tigers. But here are things you can do with fifteen minutes to go on a forgotten deadline.
1. Write a haiku. 5-7-5. We all wanted to be English majors at some point. Time to rock it out. Ronald Reagan was/ a pretty swell dude if you / think about it hard. BAM. There you go. Suck it, historiography.
2. Cry. Just weep onto a page and turn it in. Then BAM. Modern art.
3. Kidnap yourself and turn in a ransom note. Bet Moodle won’t know what to do when it has to check for plagiarism on a puzzled together note about how CLAIRE IS STUCK IN A CLOSET SOMEWHERE ON CAMPUS BET YOU WON’T FIND HER. BAM. A police investigation.
4. Quit college. Kenyon is overrated. Education is overrated. Getting into a van and starting a makeshift moveable museum/tattoo parlor is the way to go. Let’s go to New Mexico. I’ve always wanted to go to New Mexico. BAM. A better life.
5. Write a frantic 10 o’clock list. Or actually, just plagiarize one of ours. We won’t tell. Hopefully Moodle won’t, either. Moodle is finicky. Just like my love life. BAM. A plagiarism trial.
HAPPY WEEK BEFORE FINALS WEEK EVERYBODY.