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Dear majors and minors, the _______ department picnic is this Saturday! Come join us for food, fun, rousing conversation and games! Hm. Nope. No Oxford Comma. Can’t cope with that crowd. Looks like I’m not going.

Department picnics are always a little uncomfortable, so uncomfortable in fact, that I’ve never been to one. They send my irrational fear compass spinning like no other. I mean, does anyone actually want to make small talk while their physics professor cooks hamburgers with a magnifying glass and the sun? No, not unless your psych professor has already harvested your frontal lobe for an experiment. Maybe it’s just me, but as far as I’m concerned, too many surreptitious intentions are hiding under the veil of a ‘picnic’ and, more simply, too many things could go wrong. Here’s a few to start:

1. George Foreman is the only person you have to talk to. Why yes George, I do prefer charcoal over propane. Brings me back, ya know? How long have you been in the department closet? Ah, yes four years. I’ve been here three. Having a lot of sex lately? No? The only thing you put out is fire? Hm.

2. The department badminton game gets personal.  Nice volley, professor! Psych! More like SPIKE! Yeah! Take that! That’s for my perpetual B+. More like Poli cry am I right, intellectu-fool?

3. The American Studies department leaves no space for other departments on the quad. You know, it’s not like 50 fucking states PLUS Puerto Rico and assorted islands is enough or anything. Hey, stop pointing your cutlery at the Russian department.

4. Your walk of shame intersects with the picnic.  Oh yeah, remember when we read Berlin Stories freshman year professor? Well, life is a Cabaret old chum! Come to the Cabaret! It’s–it’s tonight at 7. That’s why I’m dressed like this. You know, you can never get into character too early, right? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Yeah, I guess I’ll eat a hot dog. I’m super hungov–HUNGRY. So hungry.

5. Your professor continuously hints at your poor academics. Hey, Billy! Wanna help flip some hamburgers? You oughta get used to it if you’re planning on putting forth the same miserable effort next year!