In honor of our recent Kenyon fan fiction post, we here at the Thrill decided that maybe it’s time for us to emulate some of Kenyon’s more prestigious literary institutions such as the Kenyon Review or Kenyon Collegiate. That’s right, for the first time, we here at the Thrill are offering some original Kenyon themed fan fiction.
The Impossible Love
Allison, our plucky young heroine, sat alone at a booth in Wiggin Street Cafe. She was waiting for someone. As she waited, she idly swirled her spoon through her vanilla latte, contemplating things that Kenyon students think about – the guy she had stupidly texted Saturday night, her paper on Nietzsche, and her roommate who had spilled hot nacho cheese all over the floor and hadn’t cleaned it up.
She shook her head, wanting to rid herself of those thoughts. She needed to focus on her upcoming conversation. Today was the day she was going to finally tell Rutherford how she felt.
Allison Janney was in love with Rutherford B. Hayes and there was nothing she could do about it. Although she often doubted that it could work, she had to believe in it. If they couldn’t make it work, then love was dead.
But of course, dear readers, you must have questions. How could Allison, a girl from the late 20th century, be in love with the man destined to be the nation’s 19th president? The truth is that they were both time travelers. Both had been gifted with this glorious and beautiful power and had found each other. However, in their hearts of hearts, they also knew that they were destined to be separate from each other. Rutherford would eventually become one of our country’s worst presidents and Allison would become one of the greatest actresses of all time. Like actually. CJ Cregg is the best character on West Wing.
Suddenly the door opened and in came Rutherford. Allison’s heart actually fluttered. She cursed destiny inside her head and knew in that moment she would tell him how she felt.
He sat down without a word. Allison started to open her mouth, but stopped herself. It was harder to say than she had previously thought.
Finally, Rutherford broke the silence. “Allison…”
“Rutherford,” Allison said, “I have something to tell you.”
She took a deep breath. “I think I’m -“
“Don’t say it,” said Rutherford, cutting her off. “You know we don’t say it. Just like we don’t admit that we’re kind of a party school.”
“That’s not the point,” Allison said angrily. “Stop avoiding what you know we both know.”
Rutherford laughed hollowly. “What difference does it make? Saying it won’t change anything.”
“You’re a coward,” said Allison. “I hate you.”
Although this seemed to be a quick reversal in her feelings, it was destiny. Remember? The two couldn’t be together and this was fate intervening to ensure that history was preserved. It’s kind of a paradox, but don’t worry about it.
She stood up and angrily exited the coffee shop. Allison then proceeded to walk around the campus in a way that didn’t make sense. First the intersection by the Gates of Hell, then the College Relations Center (from the other direction), then the Kenyon Inn, then the intersection again, then Bexley, then the Kenyon Inn, then the Bookstore from another direction, then the College Relations Center and Kenyon Inn again, then the VI, then the College Relations Center, then Lewis, then Leonard, I think?
It was super confusing, but then again, that was also her mindset. It was kind of poetic in a weird, Kenyon way.
But then her mind cleared. This was destiny. And she was Allison motherfucking Janney. She was going to be CJ Cregg, become a Kenyon treasure, run for governor of California, and then become President of the United States. And she wouldn’t be the president to end Reconstruction. She was going to be the second female president, create peace in the Middle East, and sweep the Electoral College for the first time in history.
She was ready to take on the world.