The end is nigh, seniors. Soon you will slap on a pair of wings, and like the young Icaruses you are, you will aim for the sky. Hopefully not too high. You know what happened to Icarus because you went to a liberal arts school. Go for middle-management. Don’t melt those wings. Anyhow, for those of you who may not want to fly, there’s nothing wrong with trying to prolong the undergraduate experience for a little longer. So here are a few ideas of how you can stay at Kenyon after you graduate.
1. Trick Chef Meagan into thinking you are the twin of her unborn child. Sneak into her nursery and climb into her baby’s crib in nothing but a diaper. Hopefully she will take you in, and you will spend a second childhood being raised by one of our most beloved community members. (Though be careful that she doesn’t post pictures of you to Instagram, blowing your cover!)
2. Pretend you a shrub donated by a wealthy but anonymous alumnus. Plant yourself on the KAC hill and flourish in the summer sun. Watch the sports teams as they practice and sweaty first-years walking up from the S2 parking lot. Know that you make their campus, and lives a more beautiful place.
3. Become the KAC Pool’s very first sea monster. Spend your Senior Week the way you were always intending to: experiment on yourself in a chem lab.* Turn yourself into a majestic, yet terrifying sea monster who needs chlorine to live. Then claim your dominion in the KAC Pool, ruling the area with your glorious ferocity.
4. Donate yourself to the Gund Gallery. You are a work of art. Time to be treated like one. Meaning, let yourself be stuffed into bubblewrap and cardboard to be stored in a basement until a curator unearths you to be pinned to a wall while bored parents and siblings pretend to care but really just want to get out of Gambier.
5. Realize that Kenyon is the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but the lessons, love, and hurt you’ve experienced will never truly leave.
Congratulations Class of 2015! Now go! Fly my pretties, fly!
*Please don’t actually do this.