Just two pals about to start the journey of a lifetime.

You made it! You are at a college where real human professors teach the real human you! Unfortunately, this means you have to interact with your real human peers, and sometimes even LIVE with them in the same ROOM. If the presence of other fleshy meat puppets cause you discomfort and/or spontaneous hair growth, you’re not alone. That sad fact is that living with another FunStudentFriend is required of most first years. Rooming with other people is hard (just ask my seven live-in orthodontists) and can be awkward at first, but with these handy-dandy tips, you’ll befriend your roommate in no time!

1. Quiz them about their favorite type of mole. Although everyone and their mother is going to be asking this question to your new live-in party pal, it’s still an important part of the get-to-know-you process. Be careful to be open minded: just because you prefer the star-nosed mole doesn’t mean they can’t love the hairy-toed mole. Different strokes for different folks, people. College is all about broadening your world view, so try to be accepting even if your roommate is so ludicrous as to prefer the golden mole, which we all know shares more common ancestors with an elephant than the good old Talpidae moles.
2. Challenge them to a naked thumb-war. You are going to see this person partially or fully naked at some point during the year (probably). So get all the awkwardness out of the way and strip down to your frisky lil skin suit, shouting whatever thumb war rhyme you learned in elementary school (they tend to vary regionally). If you find yourself waning under the meaty force of your opponent’s phalanx, distract them by reciting the alphabet backwards in a heavy Australian accent.
3. Offer to go to a meal with them. It really doesn’t matter which kind of meal you go to: a meal worm, a fleck of oatmeal, heck, maybe even some peasemeal if you’re feeling particularly rebellious. Just be sure to schedule in some time afterwords to lie on your bed and feel the post-meal blood course through your thick, vigorous veins. A big meal deserves a big rest, after all.
4. Talk about John Green. Everyone loves his books about life and stuff, right? And, fun fact, your pancreas has the exact same dimensions as the cover of Looking for Alaska. Share this fun tidbit with your roommate and earn some major Kool Kollege points.
5. Offer them breath mints. Even if they say no, slip the mints into various orifices during a normal conversation. With any luck, their ears will smell exactly like your orthodontic servants and make you feel at home in no time!
6. Wear a leather tunic at all times. This will clue your room chum into the fact that you are HardCore, especially if you mutter Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift quotes under your breath deep into the night*.
7. Don’t sweat It. Please don’t. Whatever It is, human sweat will awaken the dark, pungent consciousness sleeping beneath It’s surface. We would all be lost should It awaken.

* “I don’t care if you’re sick as a dog or in bed with Beyonce. I call, you show” is especially poignant, in an automotive-type fashion.