The Friday Ketchup


Hey, welcome back. Did you have a good summer? Where are you living this year? Who with? What classes are you taking? It’s crazy how there’s so many first years, right? Don’t they look so young and full of life and unafraid of the meaninglessness of it all? I hope they like it here. It’s the Friday Ketchup.

The stock market took a steep drop at the beginning of the week, but it quickly rallied, with the Dow having its best two-day gain ever on Wednesday and Thursday. This scare was no joke, people. The stock market is acting like a gosh-dang rollercoaster and everyone is acting like it’s all hunky dory. Well I call bull! I don’t trust nothing I can’t see, and I sure can’t see the stock market. These Wall Street fat cats are trading invisible pieces of companies and making all sorts of money, while Regular Joe in Real America sees all the real jobs go away. What happened to the country where people made stuff, where men were men and women made apple pie and took care of the kids. Now women are joining the Army Rangers! This country is going down the tubes, folks, and if you aren’t careful, you’ll be taken with it. Donald Trump 2016 is our only hope. He’s not afraid of telling those POLITICALLY CORRECT EAST COAST BLOWHARDS where they can shove it. He’ll bring back America and make her great again. She his lady, and he does great with women.

In sports news, Usain Bolt was viciously attacked by a Segway-riding cameraman while at the track and field World Championships. Bolt, who was not seriously injured, is the world champion in both the 100- and 200-meter races. Here’s what I don’t get. If this Usain fella is so fast, how was he able to get taken out by a Segway, a machine that could be outrun by an obese slot? This smells like a conspiracy to me. I’m not saying that track and field events are fixed, but I’m not saying they aren’t either. How else can you explain an American not winning every event? I’m just asking questions here.

Alright folks, that’s it. The Friday Ketchup is over. So long now.

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