A student struggles as his UCC consoles him. (via mimlearning.com)

Now that the flurry of excitement that is the first week back is over, it’s time to get real – pretty soon, you’ll have to start writing papers for your classes. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s not, but you want to make sure to produce something that your professors will actually want to read. And what better way to get them hooked than to title your paper as a clickbait feature? Here are some ideas to get you started.

1. Five Phenomena You’ll Be Surprised to Find Out Happen Because of Natural Forces Beyond Our Control. Wind? Clouds? Gravity? This title will keep your professor guessing as they rapidly scan for you thesis, searching for the phenomena they thought couldn’t be explained!
   
2. A Poor Girl Was Begging For Money On The Streets. You Won’t Believe What Happens Next. Does she inherit a fortune? Does she die tragically alone? Does she become a metaphor for the American Dream? Your professor must know! How else are they supposed to know whether they believe it or not? How else can they reap the satisfaction that comes with knowing that they are capable of predicting surprise twists? Given these considerations, your professor will read on in a hurry.
3. Five Steps to Photosynthesis. Are You At Risk? But I thought photosynthesis was a process unique to plants! your professor will cry. They’ll waste no time reading your entire paper end to end in order to find out that no, people can’t photosynthesize. I’m sure they’ll be happy to be reassured. They’ll breathe a sigh of relief as they write what I can only assume will be a big fat A on top of your paper.
4. This Paper Will Prove That We’re All Victims of Our Circumstances! Move over, Socrates. With this paper title, you’ll definitely be the campus hot-shot when it comes to philosophical discussions. Your arguments outlined in your essay will be irrefutable with a title like this one.
5. How One Man’s Metaphorical Transformation Inspired Us All To Quit Our Jobs. Whether Kafka’s Metamorphosis was metaphorical or not isn’t the point of your paper. You’ll captivate your professor with your whimsical and sophisticated analysis of an inspired idea – and by the end of it, they’ll be sure to leave their tenure-track position for good.