So you went to the Activities Fair, signed up with a dozen clubs and, as a result, gave a lot of student leaders false hopes regarding the popularity of their organizations. Unacceptable. You should really reevaluate your morals. You may also notice by now that those same student leaders to whom you promised your left toe and first child are convinced that most of your peers failed to show at the fair. As such, they continue to send a barrage of emails with the subject line Miss us at the activities fair?! or Forget to sign up?! Frankly, we’re pretty fucking salty about this. We didn’t miss you at the activities fair. In fact, we probably intentionally avoided you. However, here are a few things we forgot to sign-up for. And let me tell you, it’s not club swimming.
1. Obamacare. Far more practical than Rugby or some other tomfoolery. Many of us are about to be thrust out of Kenyon’s womb into the dystopian delivery room with the ugly florescent lights that is real life. I will most certainly be ‘born’ with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. A) Because, Kenyon, if you are so disillusioned to think that this will work, you are heavily intoxicated. B) Because, no one is going to pry me out of my NCA and put me into the job market sans healthcare without a little help from Mr. Jack Daniels.
2. A no-contact order for student organizations. Honestly, it’s getting out of hand. Don’t email me, don’t Facebook me, don’t look at me. Tonight, I would like to have a dream that doesn’t involve you asking me to sign-up for cheerleading.
3. The singles’ website your mom emailed you about. “Forgot” might not exactly be the right word.
4. Therapy. I looked all over the place but I couldn’t find their table! That’s probably a psychoanalytic metaphor for my mental health or something. Did they go Greek? Stay ΣΑΔ, everyone.
5. Classes. This entire post has served no other purpose than to get you to this point so that I can finally plead: TO THE REGISTRAR–IF YOU’RE READING THIS–SEND HELP. AND THE SEARCHABLE SCHEDULE. THAT WOULD BE NICE TOO.