10 o’clock list: Professors You’d Want to Donate Sperm/Eggs For Your Future Child

What could be your future child. (Vincent Van Gogh, Baby Marcelle Roulin, 1888, The Van Gogh Museum)

What could be your future child. (Vincent Van Gogh, Baby Marcelle Roulin, 1888, The Van Gogh Museum)

The recent additions of the Peirce babies have gotten us at The Thrill to start thinking about the future of humanity. Though it may seem daunting and far away, at some point, some of us will possibly procreate, and continue the world’s population. Incredible. Here are our humble suggestions of professors who we believe could improve the world, should their genetic material be mixed with yours.

1. Associate Professor of Classics Zoe Kontes. Would your child sail the Aegean Sea? Or perhaps bust antiquities thieves? The possibilities would be endless for your child–just don’t let an Oedipus Complex develop.

2. Professor of History Glenn McNair. Professor McNair is like the James Bond of the History department. He’s smart, strong, and sassy. Your child could end up in the Secret Service and protecting the country’s finest (or most corrupt). Wouldn’t that be cool, and potentially terrifying?

3. Associate Professor of Psychology Irene Lopez. Stop and think for a second about how caring your future child would be if you had half of Professor Lopez’s DNA. They would care about you, and their friends, and probably strangers on the street. I’m not saying your child could be like Mother Teresa, but I’m not saying that wouldn’t be.

4. Associate Professor of Economics Jaret Treber. He looks like the lead singer of a boy band. He has the pep, too. If you want your child to excel in business, sports, or to just be the most popular guy in the room, Professor Treber is your guy.

5. Philip & Sheila Jordan Professor in Environmental Studies Sibohan Fennessy. Nymphs may be fictional, but your child may end up being the closest thing to one. They would wade through the Kokosing counting fish, and just generally being a lovely, ethereal human being with brains and the ability to get grants.

6. Donald R. Rogan Professor of Religious Studies Royal Rhodes. Like, do you want your kid to be a koala bear? I want my kid to be a koala bear.

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