Ok picture this. It’s a weekday morning, and you’re trying to decide where to get the sweet sweet life-water other people refer to as coffee. You think to yourself–Wiggin? Bookstore? Peirce? Deli? You’ll hear tons of contradictory opinions from friends and enemies alike. The truth is brand loyalty and the debilitating addiction to caffeine doesn’t mix. With an array of options available to the average Kenyon student, I’m here to take these claims to the test. I conducted a blind taste test of the various coffee sources all over campus, desperate to find the truth.

Bookstore

“Tastes the least like anything”

“WATER”

“Bland, watery, gentle”

“The caress of a familiar friend”

“Terrible water”

“Lame”

“Almost tastes like tea” (not necessarily a good thing)

Peirce

“Tastes like burn”

“Marginally better than the other ones, but a lot of vinegar and a sharp pain”

Almost immediately, “TART”

“Ew ew ew ew ew ew I know this taste Peirce Peirce Peirce Peirce”

“They all taste like shit but this one is thinner” (editor’s note: what?)

“Better”

“Sweeeeeeeeeeet”

“Vanilla, light, not very strong–is this Peirce?” (editor’s note: WHAT!)

“Smells like vanilla but doesn’t taste like vanilla, so this coffee is a liar”

“It tastes fake but I don’t mind it”

*Groans* “CARAMEL”

Wiggin

“I hate it, so bad, but forreal that is so bad”

“Oh I like this one” *has another sip* “very–berry” (editor’s note: this taste tester doesn’t drink coffee and is therefore an outlier/fraud)

“I just….don’t like this”

“I can’t decide whether I hate this or like this–is this juice coffee?”

“I’ve never had this before so it must be deli” (editor’s note: this person has Wiggin coffee at least twice a weak and is therefore also a fraud)

“Bitter garbage”

The Bottom Line

From the results we saw a general support for the weak yet unburned bookstore coffee. Surprisingly–our most popular favorite was Peirce. And the loser–to all you brand conscious ~coffee aficionados out there–Wiggin did not live up to its name.