Tinder isn’t a new topic on campus, nor is it on this blog. After many discussions of pick-up lines, weird encounters with classmates, and our general bemusement with the app, we couldn’t help but wonder what our very own alumni might have written back in the day. In fact, Tinder probably would have been quite helpful when Kenyon was heavy on the lords and light on the ladies. I mean, would I have accepted a pick-up line from Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme ’48? Of course. Just the thought of him gives me sweaty palme. Read on to discover the Tinder alter-egos of your favorite (and least favorite) alumni.
1. Rutherford B. Hayes, 1842. More like Rutherford B. Hayyy-ladiez-wassup? We can only imagine the profile of one of our least favorite alumni would go something like this: I’m the one on the right. Ohio born and raised. Civil War veteran. If you’re a Whig turned Republican, I’ll put a ring on it. I took the backdoor into the presidency, so I’d be down to go through yours too. Hmu on Snapchat: B.hayy69. Oh, and 5’9 cuz apparently that’s a thing. Two measurements btw.
2. Carl Djerassi ’43. Yo, 100% will not impregnate. Just your average guy who works a lot lol. Novelist, playwright, scientist. Message if you want to know more or are looking for a good guy ;).
3. Graham Gund ’63. Architect/artist/minimalist. Netflix is for morons. Art is life. “Give me a museum and I’ll fill it”–Picasso #lifegoals. I want to go on a date without clocks. IG: WatchGrahamGo.
4. Allison Janney ’82. A master of sex, if you will. Not a robot. I dare you to be funnier than me. 6ft and love my heels. Snapchat: thereal_CJCregg.
5. Josh Radnor ’96. Kind of a fuckboy. Meditation. Not my kid. Well, probably not. I hate photos. Swipe left if you’re looking for a boyfriend. Swipe right if you’re down for some pillow talk without the talk.
6. Honorable mention: Nick Petricca ’09. Swipe right if you’re down to just shut up and dance with me. I can lift a car. Talking is hard. I have a thing for professors.