I get it. Sometimes you decide to binge watch the entire fifth season of Mad Men on Netflix, and you can’t finish all 200 pages of the book on mid-19th Century Macedonian political parties you were supposed to read for class. In case this happens, you should have an excuse available just in case hiding in the corner and hoping the professor doesn’t call on you fails. Kenyon-specific excuses are scientifically proven to be 50% more likely to be accepted by professors as a legitimate reason why you didn’t do the work. Below are a few of these reasons.
1. One of the Crozier cats ate it Students can’t have dogs on campus, so the old “my dog ate my homework” excuse won’t work. There are cats, though, and cats eat things. Why can’t one of those things be your homework?
2. A senior used it to dry their tears Senior year is a stressful time, and sometimes seniors just need a good cry to get all that stress out. If you put down your work next to a sobbing senior, there’s a small chance they’ll use it to wipe away all the frustrations about comps and figuring out what they’ll do next year and how they’re going to miss all their friends and how they aren’t ready to be an adult and whether or not they should think about law school and who will write their letter of recommendation and ohmygod I am not ready to graduate yet.
3. You were busy fighting off an Asian beetle invasion Those crazy Asian beetles will stop at nothing in their maniacal quest to conquer Kenyon. A professor could never fault you for defending the school you so dearly love. Those who protect Kenyon from the insect scourge deserve to be cut a little slack.
4. You couldn’t make it up the KAC hill After an intense workout, making it up the hill back to your room can seem like an impossible task. Who’s to say you made it all the way back? Maybe you just couldn’t make it. Maybe you collapsed in exhaustion and spent all night sleeping beside the football parking lot. Maybe your homework was back at home. Maybe you shouldn’t have to endure this intense line of questioning. Maybe you need to call your lawyer.
5. You were attending an a cappella show No one at Kenyon can deny the magic of a cappella. No one.