Hello Darkness my old friend, Mercury Retrograde we meet again. On September 17, Mercury officially went retrograde again which means your life is going to be jumbled until October 9. Some of you may not believe in the retrograde, but those of us who know the truth understand that these next few weeks are going to be weird on the Hill. Wondering how to escape Mercury’s walk of shame? Here’s your Mercury Retrograde survival guide.
Step One: Don’t travel or make any travel plans. Mercury wants you to stay on the Hill, so don’t be surprised if your car breaks down outside Gambier and suddenly you’re stuck on the side of the road because over-controlling Mercury didn’t want you to go to Columbus.
Step Two: Never text anyone. Thinking about texting your crush when you’re drunk? Put that phone down, you may accidentally send your “Let’s have sex” text to your mom because Mercury is a little beast and wants to make your sexual life the talking topic at family dinners for the rest of your life.
Step Three: Don’t make any agreements or contracts. All contracts made during these dark times are null and void.
Step Four: Send your assignments to your professors six times and personally hand in three hard copies because Mercury also wants you to fail out by making documents disappear. And no, “Mercury in Retrograde ate my homework” is NOT an excuse for not turning in your work.
Hide in your room, everything will be okay. You will probably still be affected by Mercury, but at least it’s only until October 9.