As some of you may know, our very own Kenyon College was recently named one of the most underrated party schools in the nation. You might scroll through that article and wonder, “What? My tiny sanctuary on-top-a hill has been misconstrued to be a grimy dunghole where drunken miscreants go on with their shenanigans?!” The answer to that question is, yes! And we here at The Thrill have taken on the responsibility of taste-testing the four beers you’re most likely to stumble upon in said grimy dungholes all about campus. Given that this weekend holds not one, not two, but three all-campus fiestas, it only makes sense that you study up now.
- Miller High Life ($1.80 for 24 oz.): “It’s what you think beer should taste like when you’re in high school.” Our first drink of the night was the (ambitiously) self-proclaimed Champagne of Beer. Initially put off by its startling resemblance to human urine, the taste didn’t exactly make a great case for itself either. Described to look like “water that’s ugly” and smell like “if there was a little bit of urine in an athlete’s butt-crack,” High Life failed to live up to its flashy slogan. Champagne for my real friends, real pain (a.k.a High Life) for my sham friends has never rung truer. Shockingly enough, High Life placed second amongst its peers.
- Natty Daddy ($1.70 for 25 oz.): “Like a frat boy’s urine test after a case race, but they also had really hot wings.” Before we embarked on our journey to the center of Kenyon’s beer culture, we entertained the concern that all four beers would taste the same. You know the same carbonated wheat water that seems to follow you from cheap beer to cheap beer? Well, Daddy came home and proved us all wrong. Not as frothy as High Life but a lot
yellower (“dehydrated piss”), Natty Daddy delivered disgust in ways we genuinely weren’t expecting a beer to be capable of. One editor noted, “I taste hints of aluminum – and by that I mean shards.” This was a HARD last place. We want a new Daddy.
Keystone Light ($1.50 for 24 oz.): “An overly caloric and carbonated water. Pairs perfectly with cold Little Caesar’s.” Lords and Ladies everywhere will be ecstatic to know that this Kenyon Klassic came out on top as number one in our hearts and more importantly on our tastebuds. We concluded that Keystone is nothing if not underwhelming with its “wheat-y aftertaste” and “film of bubbles.” Milder than High Life and coming in at a whopping 4% alcohol content, you’ll be grateful this gentle beer is served by the masses at any given all-campus party. It’ll have you saying, “I guess I’ll just chug it!”
- Pabst Blue Ribbon ($1.70 for 24 oz.): “Tastes like crunches of weed.” We saved what we thought would be the best for last. PBR is notorious for being the hipster’s choice for shitty beer and the packaging is easily the best out of the bunch, but weirdly enough these two variables didn’t do the beer any substantial favors. Stronger than High Life and Keystone (“in a VERY bad way”) but not quite as repulsive as Natty, PBR finishes in third place. “A sharp, sharp smell but not quite that of a fart. Reminds me of Port. Are we done yet?” And luckily, we were.
Have any other beverages you want us to try and review? Let us know in the comments! And of course, remember that drinking under the age of 21 is SO UNCOOL that it’s illegal to even do it. Be safe and have fun!