let’s do this. image via NYT.

It’s 2015, alright? Get with the times. The nuclear family is over, post-modernism blew it up. Forget about the 9 to 5 grind and bringing home the bacon, millennials are too busy drinking all of our wine and making out in bars to think about settling down and starting a family. America is gay now. Everything is different. Nowadays, anyone can be a Daddy. Here are some of those crazy iconoclasts blasting onto to the Daddy Scene, saying, “Hey, World. We’ve been here the whole time.”

1. Crawdaddy: Call ’em crayfish. Call ’em crawfish. They don’t give a hoot. These Daddies are too busy rooting around in the mud to ask for your opinion. You don’t think crustaceans can be Daddies? Think again. Crawdaddies.
2. Natty Daddy: We’ve been over this. Need I say more? I will. At 24 oz. of 8% alcohol for a measly $1.70 at the Village Market, this Daddy goes to work. Absolutely perfect for a pre-game on the go, Natty Daddy won’t let you down. Looking for even more cheap thrills? Try this new game I came up with: Daddy Hands. It’s just like Edward 40 Hands except you tape Natty Daddies to your hands instead. Way less liquid but still very effective. You’re welcome.
3. Dad’s Taxi: “Dads can’t have taxis. Or be taxis.” Are you even listening to yourself? Dad’s Taxi hears your doubts, shouts “CATCH!” and throws them right back to you.
4. Daddy Long Legs: Close your doors. Sweep your stoops. It doesn’t matter. This Daddy is going to crawl all over your NCA and there’s nothing you can do about it. Try this new game I came up with: Daddy Hands. It’s just like SlapCup but instead you just hold as many Daddy Long Legs as you can in your fists for as long as possible. First person to shout “DADDY!” gets it. Great party.