The Friday Ketchup


Hey, I’ve heard some of you punks are talking smack about The Thrill on Yik-Yak. Well, you’d better stop it. That’s not cool at all. If you don’t cut it out, I’m gonna have to make you cut it out. And by that I mean I’ll get physical. You don’t want that. If you’ve got a problem with me, then tell me mano e mano like a real mano. I’ll meet you outside the Health and Wellness Center on Monday after class if you wanna fight about it. That way, when I get the thrill of telling you with my fists you’re wrong, you can go get your boo-boos taken care of. I don’t react well to criticism, bro. It’s the Friday Ketchup.This week, NASA announced it had found evidence of flowing water on the surface of Mars. This discovery increases the likelihood of life being discovered there. If you ask me, we need to take control of that water right now and claim it as property of The United States of America. If this is the only source of liquid water for life on Mars, then we need to take it away from them. Only bad things can come from Martians with access to water. I’ve seen enough movies to know a Martian with water is a strong Martian, and a strong Martian is a threat to American lives. If we take control of the water, we can take away the Martian source of power, thereby preventing them from invading Earth. I’ll take my Nobel Prize now, please.

Last Friday, John Boehner announced he will resign from Congress at the end of October. Many see the move as the culmination of years of attempts from far-right Republicans to force Boehner and the party to take more extreme positions, especially on the budget. I’ve got to say, as an Ohio man myself, I am rather disappointed by Mr. Boehner. What would Woody Hayes say? What happened to sticking it out till the end? When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Hard times define men. If you’re going through Hell, keep going. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Take the bull by the horns. That which does not destroy a man, makes him stronger. Doing something not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Tough times don’t last, tough people do. No pain, no gain. Have it your way. Just do it. Head-On, apply directly to the forehead. Huh, what happened to all that!?

Alrighty, well, that’s it then. I’ll be waiting for anyone who wants to a Panini-pressed knuckle sandwich outside the Health and Wellness Center on Monday. See ya then.


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