A Definitive Guide to Netflix and Chilling

Do he got a front yard, doe? HE DOOOO!!! (via IGN.com)

You know the situation: It’s a weekday night, your first class is a 1:10 tomorrow which you’ve already finished the homework for, and you’ve secured a dingle for the night as your roommate is spending the night at home in Cinci to attend her Nonna’s 85th birthday party.  Conditions are perfect.

You locate a potential bae in your contacts that you have been prospecting for some time now, for tonight’s the night…. for some Netflix and chill. But wait! You realize that, although you are well acquainted with the cultural meme as a generational institution, you’ve actually never hosted an N.A.C. yourself. Don’t worry your sweet little head: we sexual wizards here at the Thrill are here to help. Our social behavior experts have broken down the process to guarantee a truly great Netflix and chill sesh into three essential criteria: ambiance, refreshments, and quality of film. Here are a few suggestions regarding each category that we’ve brainstormed, guaranteed to deliver ~*results*~. Happy watching, ya nasty cinephiles.

Ambiance

  • Turn up the atmosphere of danger in your room by using only open flames as the sources of light. Dim, flickering lighting is both sexy and can potentially mask the fact that you haven’t vacuumed since last year’s Parent’s weekend, and the risk of your CA barging in, alerted by the smell of your smoldering wall tapestry, is sure to add an exhibitionist thrill to the evening.
  • Every season is Krud season, so if you are sick, make sure to dispose of your used tissues, crumpled Halls’ wrappers and maybe spray same Febreeze to get the scent of codeine out of the room. Chances are, unless you’re into the whole Pretty Woman no-mouth-kisses thing, they’re gonna get sick too. But remember: if the hookup is good enough, they can’t even be mad about the fact that you lied to them!
  • Make sure there are no sticky surfaces, such as on furniture, the walls, etc. Honestly, this is just a general rule. It’s gross. Also, why is everything in your room so sticky? Put in a work order, get someone to check that out, buddy!

Refreshments

  • Handmade Peirce extendo sammies are a great way to: a) demonstrate that you’re good with your hands, b) show off your frugality/Raven-Symoné-like ability to anticipate situations before they happen, c) test your longstanding hypothesis that banana peppers are in fact a powerful aphrodisiac.
  • Snacks that leave a powdery/filmy residue on your hands (such as microwave popcorn, Cheetos, Cheetos Puffs, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Cheetos: Bag of Bones, or giant Renaissance-fair style turkey legs) are a fun way to stake your claim on someone. Forget hickies and nail scratches, orange fingerprints all over your erogenous zones serve as a sexy reminder to you and the rest of the world that, yeah, you got laid last night.
  • Or, if you wanna play it cool and give the message that this really isn’t gonna turn into a regular thing, a glass of room temperature water in a slightly dirty glass is a safe, noncommittal snack to offer to someone that you’re not really sold on yet.

Film Choices

  • Dunston Checks In (1996) – Kyle, son of a luxury hotel manager played by Jason Alexander, forges an unlikely but genuine friendship with the mischevious Dunston, a playful young orangutang who has been enslaved by the evil Lord Rutledge, played by the debonair Rupert Everett, to pilfer precious jewels from wealthy guests staying at the hotel. Although it’s got a big heart and even bigger laughs, don’t be fooled: sensual moments abound, such as in spa scene where the unassuming Dunston romances a female guest who mistakes him for William, her beefy masseuse.

  • Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014) – I’ll be honest; I’ve never actually seen this. However, I did once have someone earnestly suggest Sharknado (the first one) during a Netflix and chill to me – I laughed in his face until I started crying, and he agreed to watch a different movie. Gottem!!

  • Beavis and Butthead Do America (1996) – What starts out as a simply mission to recover the TV that has been stolen from them, we join our heros Beavis and Butthead on what turns out to be a trans-continental wild goose chase, in which the boys end up saving the entire United States from a bioterrorist attack. With a oddly star-studded cast that includes the voices of Bruce Willis, Cloris Leachman, Richard Linklater, David Letterman, Greg Kinnear, and the inimitable Demi Moore as the seductive villainess Dallas Grimes, this is a film that you’re sure to never forget. Also, has an grunge-tacular soundtrack featuring a super bumpable (and potentially humpable ;) ) cover of “Love Rollercoaster” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

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