I’ve Never Read Any of the Works I’ve Just Mentioned, But I’m Going to Make It Sound Like I Have (Because of My Crippling Insecurity)


Hey guys! Couldn’t help but overhear your conversation — it’s like 8:15 a.m. on New Side so I can hear literally every word you say! Haha! I thought I heard you talking about David Foster Wallace and thought I’d offer my humble, nuanced, complex insights on him. And even if you weren’t talking about good ol’ DFW, I’m going to offer my insights anyway!

Have you read his novel Infinite Jest? It’ll change your life, I swear. It’s about — haha! Kidding! Everyone knows books so ingeniously dense as Infinite Jest (or InfJe for those of us in the know) can’t be condensed to a pitiful plot summary. It’s like 1200 pages with hundreds of pages of footnotes! You need three bookmarks at once just to keep up with everything. But what the unrefined reader might miss is the commentary. Capitalism. Socioeconomics. The human condition. Lots of crap about duality of passion. If you read the book and you don’t see these themes, no biggie. You just totally missed the point of an essay by the greatest literary mind since Milton. Oh my God and he writes the most gorgeous description of smoking weed. You’ll be jonesin’ for a bowl and drool all over the page. So I’m kind of an expert. Ask me anything about the book. Anything at all. OK, anything about the first 180 pages.

Good stuff, right, guys? Right, guys? Right?!

Of course, Brontë was great, too. She’s a truly amazing woman who wrote two great Victorian Gothics: Wuthering Heights and Jane EyreJane Eyre is the sequel. Heathcliff and Mr. Rochester are brothers, and after Heathcliff–I don’t want to spoil anything, you can read for yourself. It’s great. Can’t say enough about them. They’ll change your life.

Anyway, Hamlet‘s one of my fave plays. “To be or not to be?” Something about Horatio and his philosophy. Truly incredible. It changed my life. Laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Do you know the book Goodnight Moon? Changed my life. You really should find the time to read it.

Have I finished the reading in the Dickens novel for class today? Obviously! Changed my life! But if I don’t talk in class today, it’ll just be because I have a sore throat from this riveting conversation we’re having right now.

I could go on, but I’d be talking literally for hours, and I’d keep you here as you continue to stare at me with that look on your face like you’re a goldfish that just went belly-up. Just, trust me on this. I’m an English major at Kenyon — of course I’m well read!



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