Hello, young lovers. Has the appeal of the VI worn thin? Do the fluorescent lights of dormitories dull your wit and diminish your libido? Have no fear. No fear whatsoever. There Is No Reason To Be Afraid. The air is thick with leaves and the autumnal musk of gourds, and apple nog flows thick from every tree orifice. Got a cutie to eat “””food””” with? Of course you do. Celebrate autumn with your SO by skittering outside the clammy sanctuary of your room and following these simple steps.
- Prepare the food. It is time to feast, and we are hungry. If you’re an organic food nut like me (I only eat local grubs and tubers), now is the time to lay your own eggs. Remember to drink a lot of water and be sure not to clench too hard. If your flesh pouches are too weak to carry your egg bounty, a Peirce cup works too.
2. Bring your eggs to a second location. The Kokosing flows for you and me. We are drawn to it like moths to a flame, dogs to a ceremonial pound of flesh. The walk down is long, giving your date plenty of time to complement you on your eggs and/or toenail extensions!
3. Find a scenic spot. On the banks is only dryness, the withered husks of leaf and bark. Let your date know you aren’t afraid to be a little spontaneous by plunging in to the frigid depths of the river! Because you’re not like other girls: your nervous system shut down years ago, leaving you impervious to the elements, scorning wind and rain alike, laughing in the face of death itself. You’re different, but like in a good way.
4. Decorate the area with leaves. Nothing is more attractive than a love of decaying plant matter. Dazzle your date by festooning the river with leaves, all of them various shades of brown.
5. Eat your eggs in triumph. Maybe your date thinks you’re the bee’s ankles, the cat’s nightshirt. Or maybe they were cocooned into oblivion by Moth Man eons ago. Regardless, you can have your egg and eat it too. Gnaw through the shell, savor the mealy yolk, and leave the whites out for the squirrels. They need their strength.