The Friday Ketchup


Hey folks, how’s it going? I sure do hope y’all had a good seven days since we last saw ya. Did you do anything fun? I’m sure you did; you seem like a fun bunch of kids. Didn’t get into too much trouble, though, right? I heard some people at Kenyon have been drinking a little bit more than they should. That’s not healthy. You shouldn’t drink too much. It’s the Friday ketchup.

On Wednesday, Joe Biden announced he would not run in the 2016 presidential campaign. Rumors had been swirling for months that Vice President Biden would enter the race to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination.

What happened to the days when we could count on old white men to run for president? I mean, sure, there’s Bernie Sanders, Martin O’Malley, Lincoln Chaffee, and Donald Trump, but besides that, there’s basically no one to represent old white dudes. And heck, Sanders is a socialist, so he doesn’t even count. I like my politicians crusty, xenophobic, and male, not spritely, open-minded, and female! This country’s going down the tubes.

In news from up north, Canada held national elections this week. The Liberal Party gained a majority of seats in Parliament, meaning Stephen Harper’s reign as prime minister has ended. He will be replaced by Justin Trudeau, son of former prime minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau. The young Trudeau will head his party after a near decade of Conservative Party rule.

Now why can’t our parties in America be named “Liberal” and “Conservative?” It would make things so much easier for me. I get so confused sometimes when I see Republican and Democrat because both sound like good things! I like republics, and also like democracy! In fact, they should have to name parties after exactly what they stand for, like the “Less Government, More Religion Party,” the “More Social Programs, Less Military Party,” or the “Pro-Giving Matt A Job Party.” That way I’d know who to vote for! (I’d vote for the last one.)

Here’s a young band that goes by the name of Deerhunter to play us out:

See you folks next week!

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