A Diary of Kenyon’s Inanimate Objects: The Chalmers Printers

Via The Collegian

At Kenyon we’re all so concerned with what our peers are thinking. Do they like me? Do they think I’m cute? Did Susan actually like that portrait I drew of her using only my blood?  Yet, too often we fail to acknowledge the feelings and emotions of the inanimate objects around campus.

It’s fucked up. We claim to be a community that treats other with respect, but how can we do that without being conscientious of the Peirce plates with human traits, or the KAC treadmills that have no free will. I want to give a voice to this marginalized group, so I’ve made it my mission to listen to what these objects have to say. This week I received yet another moving entry from printer MP C5503 in Chalmers.  

Sup Diary,

MP C5503 here, but you can call me Colorado. I’m Kenyon’s coolest K-Card tappin’, paper makin’, realest printer alive. I’m just kickin it here in 2nd floor Chalmers.  I love the college life. The Babes, the scanning, the parties, filling up my ink cartridge and getting my drank on. Life couldn’t be more on fleek.

But tbh it’s not easy working here. I’m exhausted from doing the same repetitive work. And then what, I get six short hours to chill while the Library’s closed. It’s not tight at all. I used to be able to print out a scholarly article in the time it would take you to say “Noam Chomsky.” These days it may take me as long as OG Mudbone to print out a single flyer. I feel so old.  I may seem youthful and hip to the times, but that’s only because I’ve been around college students my entire life and I chose to conform to their social conventions unlike Marilyn.

“What did you say Colorado?”

“Nothing Marilyn.”

“Okay. Would you like to play canasta with me and my girlfriends tonight?”

“No thank you.”

“Well let me know if you change your mind. Doris is bringing paper.”

I can’t stand Marilyn. I don’t understand why she hasn’t retired yet. I know I should respect my elders, but she’s such a terrible printer. She rarely ever receives any of the jobs and when she does you can barely read the text.

Anyway, it’s been cool hangin’ in the ‘Bier, but I really best be on my way. I work okay now, but soon I’ll be malfunctioning as much HP Photosmart 7520 with a paper jam. I want you all to remember me as the cool, young, printer that I was, not some old printing press like Marilyn.

Cool off the press,


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