The Five Stages of Peircegiving


via CountryLiving

The sweetest day of the year has come and gone, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t still thinking about it. The crushing and let’s admit it, suffocating after effects of Peircegiving are worth the unabashed bliss shared by all from the first forkful to the last. Today, we take you through a journey of long lines, eating marathons, and potatoes. Ladies and gentlemen, the five stages of Peircegiving.

Quiet yet Deadly Tension

The dining hall is full of hungry and excited individuals, ready for allegedly the best meal of their life. Spirits are high, but each and everyone is on full alert, waiting for the one brave soul to get in line. Heads turn when even a single person decides to stand up. The screech of a chair being pushed back is noticed by all. Waiting for that moment of pure blissful disaster.

Merciless Shoving

One second there are three or four people hovering around their respective tables, in a half-stand (ie full squat) position. One single chair squeaks, the entire room collectively stands up and attacks. Limbs go flying, hearts are beating faster than ever. Anyone who makes the process of getting that food to your mouth-hole harder, is immediately your enemy.

Blind Joy

Yes, you did it. You got The Food. You’ve been waiting for this moment all year, and it’s happening–oh yeah it’s happening. The ultimate 7-layer-dip of glory is right there, mere inches from your mouth. Sweet, sweet victory. You blackout from the joy with no end in sight. It’s the closest thing you can imagine to standing in the eye of a hurricane. Fork after fork after fork.

Existential Dread

The fullness of the meal is what the professionals call a silent killer. Just when you think there’s no end in sight, you start to feel glued to your chair. Incapable of any physical movement, you rack your brain for the nearest couch, or really the closest opportunity to lie horizontal. You convince yourself that this feeling of immense fullness will never end. This is your life now.

Preparation for Round Two

Tensions ease enough for you to sit upright. You begin to breathe normally again. The cycle has done and the powers of nature/peircegiving have won. It’s over, but it’s also not over. Your mind begins to wander, and you remember you get to do this all over again For Real, in just a week. You release a sigh of relief.


Merry Peircegiving to all, and to all a good night.

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