The Friday Ketchup


Hey, hey, hey, how’s it hanging? Are you as excited as I am to be back at school? Boy, I sure missed this place. Sure, I suppose it was nice to be home, but I didn’t like being apart from Kenyon. I feel like Kenyon is just a part of me at this point. I am Kenyon, I guess you could say. I am the college. You literally walk on me when you’re walking on Middle Path. When you go into Ascension, you’re going into me, too. When you throw up on the weekend, I’m getting thrown up on. So be nice to Kenyon, because it is me. It’s the Friday Ketchup.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, announced the birth of their daughter this week. They also pledged to donate 99% of their Facebook stock to charity over the course of their lifetimes.

While this is a generous donation on the part of Zuckerberg and Chan, I can’t help but question this decision. What are charities going to do with all that stock? I mean, I have to imagine it would go bad after a while. Sure, you could make a whole bunch of soup with it, but that’s about it. Pretty disingenuous of Zuckerberg, if you ask me.

A Canadian man in Michigan plead guilty to smuggling in court this week after being caught trying to transport 51 live turtles taped to his body. The man would transport the turtles from the United States to Canada and then ship them to China, where they can fetch a hefty price.

This guy must be a few eggs short of a six pack. Who tries to tape turtles to their body in order to smuggle them? That’s the worst possible way to smuggle them. Everyone knows the best way to get turtles through customs is to hid them in various hidden compartments sewn into your clothing. That way you won’t get bit. Seriously, this bozo is some sort of amateur.

That was the Friday Ketchup.



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