Doors are truly miracles. Push doors, pull doors, doors you inevitably push even though it says pull, automatic doors, Jim Morrison’s Doors, sliding glass doors, revolving doors; we all need doors to get in and out of our beloved buildings, unless of course we’re really determined and shimmy our way through a ground-floor window. Without doors to shut us off from our peers, how would we prevent others from witnessing our weekly 3 pm meltdowns and existential crises? Who doesn’t love doors? Heck, we measure our whole world in relation to doors: there’s the outdoors, which is a cruel, vicious, frigid terrorzone right now, and then there’s the heated, carpeted, fluorescently-lit indoors. Doors doors doors. Ever notice how the more you say the word ‘door’ the less it sounds like an actual word? Door. Door. Door. Door. Door? Wow, that’s super weird. Speaking of weird, there are a few doors around here that make me go slightly mad just thinking about them. Allow me to explain:
KAC Entryway doors: Why are these doors so darn heavy? It seems like you need to bench 150 just to be able to leave the building. I say if you really want to get buff, save yourself the trouble of barbells and judgement from those who do-even-lift-bro and just do laps in the vestibule. No button pushing or stair-climbing required, and after 10 sets of door pulls you’ll be as ripped as Hulk Hogan.
Smather Door: Why in the world is it necessary to have an extremely hard to open door right next to the main double doors that always has its window boarded up? Are they trying to drive us insane? Because it’s working.
The Secret Gund Door: This one is a complete mystery to me. It’s in the computer lab in lower Gund Commons, inconspicuously located around left corner of the back wall. If you haven’t seen it, go take a gander. It looks like it belongs on Baker Street in London. It’s completely unexplained, and it’s locked. Where do you lead, mystical fancy door? Are you the portal to Narnia, or Atlantis? Will I find the lost colony of Roanoke, or maybe that really nice pair of sunglasses I lost that one time? If anyone has the answers, please share: I’m getting desperate.
Lower Lewis Doors: So Lower Lewis got new doors recently and they are too shiny for words. Also, the hinges are so stiff and new that the doors close and sometimes lock on their own, which is problematic if you want to grab a drink of water without having to call Campus Safety to let you back into your room after your door decides to exile you.
Upper Lewis Doors: Unlike their brand-spanking new downstairs neighbors, these wooden beauties are ancient and creaky as an old man’s hip joints. Ours sometimes forgets how to door and opens on its own, loosing a long, drawn out errrrrrk like it’s passing gas. Often it will start to open as we approach, as if it senses our presence and is cordially welcoming us in. All the upper Lewis doors occasionally knock on their own which is really eerie, especially when it’s 2:30 in the morning and you’re convinced it’s the ghost of Philander Chase roaming the hall. Apparently the draft from the open windows causes the doors to jump slightly in their bolts but seriously, how spooky is that!? It sounds like they’re trying to send some cryptic message in Morse code. Perhaps they’re gossiping about us, because they have definitely seen too many things. Do they know the mysteries of the cosmos? Tell us, doors: how can we find true happiness? What is love? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Do you know the muffin man?
Are there any doors on campus that puzzle you? Let us know in the comments! Now go forth and open every door! (If you can, that is.)
Door door door door door door door door. See? Now it just sounds like gibberish.