A Diary of Kenyon’s Inanimate Objects: Caples Elevator


At Kenyon we’re all so concerned with what our peers are thinking. Do they like me? Do they think I’m cute? Did Susan actually like that portrait I drew of her using only my blood?  Yet, too often we fail to acknowledge the feelings and emotions of the inanimate objects around campus.

It’s fucked up. We claim to be a community that treats other with respect, but how can we do that without being conscientious of the Peirce plates with human traits, or the KAC treadmills that have no free will? I want to give a voice to this marginalized group, so I’ve made it my mission to listen to what these objects have to say. The Caples elevator is kind of shy and wasn’t willing to share very much in a diary entry so I decided to do an interview and ask the questions we have all been wanting to know.

Harry Kalish: Thank you so much for meeting with me today, I know you’re very busy.

Caples Elevator: No, I’m not.

HK: Oh, well okay. So tell me a little bit about yourself.

CE: Well, I spend 24 hours a day going up and down 100 feet.

HK: Do you enjoy what you do?


HK: What’s your favorite floor in Caples?

CE: Definitely the basement.

HK: But…you’ve never been to the basement. The lowest level you can go to is the 1st floor.

CE: I know.

HK: You’ve been doing this for over 40 years you must have some crazy stories about people who have rode you.

CE: Oh yeah! The other day this guy got on the first floor and when the doors closed, he started sobbing! He was in such distress he could barely touch the button to get up to the 9th floor! And then some other people got in the elevator, a few floors later, and he had to put his face into the corner so people wouldn’t know he was crying.

HK: That’s awful. Do you know why he was crying?

CE: I don’t know, he kept saying something like, “I can’t believe she broke my heart. I fucking loved her.”

HK: That poor guy…

CE: Whatever, it’s his loss.

HK:  What else do you like to do?

CE: I listen to music sometimes.

HK: Oh really? Do you have a favorite song?

CE: Skinny Love by Bon Iver.

HK: You must be quite the romantic. Are you seeing anybody?

CE: No, I prefer just going up and down my own shaft.

HK: Well alright. Thank you for doing this interview.

CE: No problem.

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