Alright, alright, we get it. It’s cold out. It’s January. The temperature is dropping, it’s the year of the monkey, and mercury is still in retrograde. Lot of things going on right now. And to make it worse, you have to muster up the courage to get yourself out of bed and join the rest of society every weekend. But have no fear, I’m here, and I have ways for you to get off your booty and brave the cold.
1. Tell your blankets how much you love them. It’s like kissing your parents before getting on a plane. You’ll feel a lot less guilty drinking Keystone in Old K knowing that your bed is happily waiting for your return.
2. Cry a little bit. It’s okay!! Let it all out. It’s cold out there, and you are so warm and cozy in your room. Let yourself feel these emotions, it’s healthy.
3. Have a buddy. Whether it’s your roommate, neighbor, or best friend, you need someone who will help you through this tough time. This needs to be someone who will make the night fun and enjoyable so you aren’t thinking about the cold, and also someone strong enough to forcibly eject you from your bed if need be.
4. Scare yourself. Get spooky. Imagine what will happen if you don’t go out. Everyone will have a good time without you. Maybe tonight was the night you were going to meet your future romantic partner, but instead you chose to stay in bed, and therefore you’re going to die alone. Or all your friends will go out and party and forget about you, and you’ll slowly decay under your blankets until people forget about you until spring.
5. If #4 doesn’t work, call your mom. If she’s anything like my Jewish mother, she will guilt you into going out and making the most of your college experience.
6. Get out of bed like you would get into a hot tub. Slowly surrender your foot to the ground. Test how it feels. Feeling safe enough to get a whole leg out from under the blanket? Nice, you’re almost there.
7. Put music on. Have a little dance party. Do some jumping jacks. Maybe a nice jog up and down the hall of your dorm. Get your heart rate up, maybe even get a little sweat going. Your body will feel so warm.
8. Take a picture of your bed. Pull out your phone and look at it when you’re out, so you remember objects are permanent, and that your bed will always be there for you. Don’t worry. Be strong.
9. Make your roommate take a blood oath swearing to order pizza with you when the night is over. You are not going to go out unless junk food is the prize at the end of this long treasure hunt. Make it count.
10. Don’t look back. Once you walk out that door and brave the cold, just keep walking. Maybe even run. One look back and it’s all over.