The Friday Ketchup: Iowa Caucus Edition



Hey did you hear about Sendoff? That sure is crazy, right? I can’t believe the administration would make us listen to a band. I hate music. I didn’t come to Kenyon to listen to it and I’ll be damned if someone forces to me to listen to people play it live. Fact: everyone who has ever listened to music dies. I’m not going to take that risk, and I can’t believe the administration would play with our lives like that. We need to protest this decision. Join me in saying, “Hey, I don’t like music. Don’t make me listen to it!” It’s the Friday Ketchup.

The Iowa Caucus took place this week, marking the beginning of the primary season of the presidential election calendar. Ted Cruz took first place in the Republican contest, while Hilary Clinton narrowly won on Democratic side.

Calls of foul play quickly rang out from losers on both sides. Bernie Sanders supports questioned the closely-contested Democratic caucus, which saw several precincts decided by coin flips, all of which were won by Clinton. Nothing says democracy quite like 50-50 chance.

Iowa better be careful. I’ve heard it through the grapevine that numerous online BernieBros, terrified at the thought of a powerful woman becoming president, were planning on flooding into the state en masse and creating a vape cloud so large it would reach from Sioux City to Dubuque (go Rams!).

Donald Trump, who,despite leading in many pre-caucus poles, came in second to Cruz, insinuated on Twitter that Cruz may have had a hand in voter fraud. Given Trump’s distaste for losers, there’s no way he in fact could be one himself. That just can’t be. Trump is going to make America great again, and there’s nothing Ted Cruz or Iowans or Megyn Kelly or the democratic process can do to stop him. That’s what this country is about– a rich, powerful man getting his way, rule of law be damned.

To end the Friday Ketchup today, here’s Iowa’s most famous folk group, Slipknot, performing their public radio hit, “Before I Forget.” (I, of course, won’t be listening, due to my  current “Hey, I don’t like music. Don’t make me listen to it!” protest.)

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