It’s February again. Gross! It was warm, but lo, now it is cold once more. Mr. Phil the Groundhog failed see his shadow, but do not trust the whistlepig prophet, for he murmurs falsehood, he weaves lies with a forked tongue. If you’re a regular gal like me, winter is tough. Your lips get cracked, your face gets cracked, and by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around, you’ve splintered into tiny shards of sentient human flesh! It’s a crazy world out there for a blushing young collegiate, but don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here are some fool-proof treats to get you through the next month:

1. Lotion. In winter, everything on your body will flake and shed and disintegrate. Dust to dust, etc, but if you prefer remaining in human form this month and scaling yourself like a fish once a week does not seem fathomable, try a body cream to slick yourself into the correct humanoid shape. I suggest this balm to soothe your powdery, frail skin.
2. Socks. When summer rolls around, we can all finally scamper about in Adidas flops n flips and let our thick, pointed toenails see the light of day. Suns out, claws out! But for now, roll some burlap tubes past your knobbly knees and hope for the best.
3. Hot drinks. Nothing like a piping hot cup of slippery beige liquid to make one feel alive on a cold day! Let the warmth pour down your throats, and feel something for once in your goddamned life, you sad little gnome.
4. Fleece-lined tights. It is Cold, but pants are for the Weak. Keep the blood in your legs churning and hot. You never know when to run, and you don’t want all your legs to be frozen and tangled together when the time comes, for then we should all be lost.
5. Three dove’s eggs, crack’d at the cleft. Do I even need to explain this one?? Ladies, you feel me.