He’s here to win. Are you? (via dreamstime.com)

Do you feel like garbage? Have you neglected your friends and family in favor of self-loathing? Do you have an overused app on your phone that simply plays a sad trombone sound effect? Have spoonfuls of peanut butter been the entirety of your diet for the past 24-48 hours?

IT’S TIME TO GET OVER YOURSELF.

You know, I used to be like you. I used to be a sad, strange little man worthy only of pity. I used to spend my days moping in bed, weeping heavily over that one episode of It’s Always Sunny when Charlie and Dee kiss.  I used to sit and watch life pass me by.

I get it. Trust me, I do. But you know as well as I do that it’s TIME FOR CHANGE.

Get ready for your life to flip upside down.

• Do some screaming. Kneel on the Peirce seal, throw your head back and yell at that big-ass sign advertising the Valentine’s Day dance.  Listen to your voice echo. You are power. You are strength. You are definitely disturbing at least six people. 
• Scream some more. Kids might start to give you some side eye in the Olin atrium, but you’re too busy yelling into a stiff upholstered chair to notice.
• Punch. Fists in the air, broseph. Reclaim the life you’ve let slip through your fingers. Throw in some pelvic thrusts for effect. Who cares? You don’t.
• Look in the mirror, narrow your eyes and whisper “I am so effing ready.” Don’t ask what for. Winners don’t need answers.
• M O R E  S C R E A M I N G. G E T  R E K T.

Remember, it’s only February. If you don’t get your life back on track now, you’re a goner. Godspeed.