From “Low Key” to “High Key”: How to Reclaim Your Mojo and Knock Life Down a Peg

He's here to win. Are you? (via dreamstime.com)

He’s here to win. Are you? (via dreamstime.com)

Do you feel like garbage? Have you neglected your friends and family in favor of self-loathing? Do you have an overused app on your phone that simply plays a sad trombone sound effect? Have spoonfuls of peanut butter been the entirety of your diet for the past 24-48 hours?

IT’S TIME TO GET OVER YOURSELF.

You know, I used to be like you. I used to be a sad, strange little man worthy only of pity. I used to spend my days moping in bed, weeping heavily over that one episode of It’s Always Sunny when Charlie and Dee kiss.  I used to sit and watch life pass me by.

I get it. Trust me, I do. But you know as well as I do that it’s TIME FOR CHANGE.

Get ready for your life to flip upside down.

  • Do some screaming. Kneel on the Peirce seal, throw your head back and yell at that big-ass sign advertising the Valentine’s Day dance.  Listen to your voice echo. You are power. You are strength. You are definitely disturbing at least six people. 
  • Scream some more. Kids might start to give you some side eye in the Olin atrium, but you’re too busy yelling into a stiff upholstered chair to notice.
  • Punch. Fists in the air, broseph. Reclaim the life you’ve let slip through your fingers. Throw in some pelvic thrusts for effect. Who cares? You don’t.
  • Look in the mirror, narrow your eyes and whisper “I am so effing ready.” Don’t ask what for. Winners don’t need answers.
  • M O R E  S C R E A M I N G. G E T  R E K T.

Remember, it’s only February. If you don’t get your life back on track now, you’re a goner. Godspeed.

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