The Friday Ketchup


Well, it’s finally winter. Snow has come to the hill, and it looks like it may be here to stay. Be sure to bundle up warm, because it sure is chilly outside. Have you ever been cold? It’s the worst. I was cold once. I was on a fur-trapping expedition out near Yellowstone when I got attacked by a bear and left for dead. I survived and had to make my way back to town to get revenge on the man who left me behind and killed my son. Right in the middle of winter I had to do stuff like careen down a near-frozen river and sleep inside the guts of a horse in order to survive. The worst part was the cold though. I mean, sure the whole getting mauled by a bear thing wasn’t great, and I didn’t like seeing my son die, but getting snow in my boots really sucked. It’s The Revenant the Friday Ketchup.

On Thursday, researchers announced they had observed gravitational waves for the first time. The waves, first postulated by Einstein as part of his Theory of General Relativity, were created by the collision of two black holes and show the bending of spacetime.

I literally have no idea what I just wrote. These science people could literally be making all of this up and I would have to take their word for it. Like, what do these words even mean? What the hell is a wave? The thing I do with my hand when I think someone is saying hello to me but is actually saying it to the person behind me? What does that have to do with Einstein Bros. Bagels? Is the black hole where all my socks go when I do laundry? All I know is that all of this stuff makes my head hurt and that Jesus never had a goddamn word to say about spacetime bending.

In less believable news, Donald Trump rallied from his second-place finish in the Iowa Caucus to win the New Hampshire primary. Bernie Sanders, who also finished second in Iowa, won the Democratic primary over Hillary Clinton.

As was foretold long ago, the Trump victory will bring about a new golden age of America where only winners are citizens and losers have to leave. The streets will be paved with Trump Corp® brand “super gold,” and a giant light will be placed facing an ten-story poster of our new overlord in all his non-loser excellence. All the foreign leaders who are losers will bow down to Trump, who will rename the Presidency as “Number One Winner.” All future elections will be held as reality show competitions. Women will be forced into camps once a month when they “bleed down there.” Hillary Clinton and all the other Losercrats will be sent out to sea on a raft built from welfare checks and immigration request forms. America will finally be Great Again.

The Friday Ketchup is done now. You can close this tab. Or don’t. It doesn’t make a difference to me. Our click counter doesn’t measure how long you stay on a page. To be honest, the minute you clicked on this dang article, we stopped really caring what you did. Are you still reading? Leave. Go away. You smell. I don’t like you. I heard you can’t even tie your shoes. Dummy. Don’t you know none of this matters? Of course you don’t, because you’re dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Okay, seriously, get out now. Dummy.


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