It’s the season of love, my friends. Time to pull your smooch caboose close to your gnarled, scabby body and whisper unintelligible sentences of Gaelic into their ear all through the night. February 14th is the only day of the year where you get to touch other people with your real human hands, so it absolutely must be cherished. As the Beetles say, “love, love love, love, love, love, love, love, love.” Here are some tips for finding romance on Flirtation Avenue.
1) Location, location, location. Ambiance is key to make any date into a date that is maybe better! For this particular date, I chose a cozy, secluded little room in the basement of Manning. What are the odds that on this tiny campus of ours there is a space that is both florescently lit and covered in lint? It’s every girl’s dream, and this year, my dream came true.
2) Explore the space. It’s important to get to know the space before meeting your honey bunch. I took a few hours to really get to know this underground locale, diving into the smallest nooks and crannies to learn everything I could about this room full of machines. Finding dust and various smallclothes behind the washers was just icing on the dense, earthy cake.
3) Ward off potential threats. Scared that your date spot will get snatched up by some sticky-fingered gnome and her tall, pale sweetheart? Make your presence known with a ceremonial Sock Ring. None can enter, none can leave. The socks, they ensnare, they bind. Dryer sheets will make your ring smell fresh and clean, and will impress your date!
4) Prepare the meal. Who wants to be in a hectic restaurant on a night like this? A nice, home-cooked meal solidifies your value as a homemaker AND as a person who ingests food on the regular? Forage for natural growths in the area, and arrange them in a way that screams *boy you seem mediocre but will do well as a decoy love interest while I continue to keep a low profile due to my rapidly-spreading tongue hair*.