The Friday Ketchup


It’s Friday night. You’re at a party dancing the night away when all of a sudden you see them. You know who I’m talking about. That one you always seem to make eye contact with in the library, the one who you sometimes dream about but have never actually talked to. You tell yourself that there’s no way someone like that would ever be into you, that it will never be more than an unrequited crush. But, suddenly, you realize they’re making their way towards you. Their eyes look straight at yours. You can feel your heart pounding, and somehow you can hear it above the music. They’re only a few feet away now. They grab you tight, start dancing with you. It’s as if all else fades away and it’s just the two of you, alone. You may have been dancing for hours, or maybe just minutes; you can no longer tell. They lean in so their face is nearly touching your cheek. You can feel their warm breath on your neck. They put their lips close to your ear and, in a voice so soft you can barely hear it, whisper, “It’s the Friday Ketchup.” 

On Thursday, Pope Francis questioned Donald Trump’s Christian faith, saying, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” Trump, not one to allow an insult pass him by, replied by calling the Pope “disgraceful,” and insinuated ISIS would take over the Vatican if another presidential candidate were to be elected.

I can’t believe the Pope has done this. How could the Donald not be a good Christian? I mean, he is literally the second coming of Christ. It was foretold in Revelations that a great leader would arise who would talk like a dragon and perform great deeds and totally won’t be a loser. He will lead America to a thousand years of Greatness and have a majestic lion’s mane that shines like the Sun. And we will call him The Donald, and he will be one with God and is Christ, and will strike down that Daemon, the Antichrist, who will test our hearts with lies of free college and will implore us to Feel the Bern. Look it up. It’s all right there in the Bible.

In the aftermath of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s death this past weekend, many Republicans called for Congress to block any nominee Obama would put forward to replace the deeply conservative Scalia. Republicans claim that since this is Obama’s last year in office, he should allow the next president to choose the new justice.

I have to side with the Republicans on this one. Obama clearly doesn’t have popular support anymore. I mean, it’s not like we voted for him. The only reason Obama is even in office still is because the liberal East Coast elites with their New York values want him to be in charge so he can bring about Sharia Law and bring down our Good Christian Nation. I mean, the Founder FATHERS sure weren’t Muslims, and they definitely didn’t want some non-Christian putting people on the Supreme Court. We need to wait for the person we can vote for (Trump) to put their nominee on the Court. I bet Judge Judy would be great for the job. I mean, she’s even a woman. And then the liberals couldn’t even complain. Checkmate, atheists.

Check in next week when I show you what it’s all about.



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