So we’re all super bummed about the Cove being torn down. In a news bulletin sent out by the college via email on January 22, they gave us this reason for its untimely demise:
With a long-term vision to enhance student residential life and
promote the small-scale charm of the village of Gambier, Kenyon has
decided to not renew a lease for the Gambier Grill.
We at The Thrill put our thinking caps on and came up with some really fantastic and innovative ideas for bringing back that “small scale charm” of Gambier, since we clearly don’t have it. Forget the Cove; these strategies will surely bring back the charm of the good ol’ days.
- Sword Fights At High Noon. Here in Gambier, there are very few places for entertainment, and with the Cove gone, people might get the idea in their heads that going off campus is a better alternative. With sword fights to the death, people will be intrigued to stay downtown and find out which one of their classmates will not be helping with that group project.
- The Reinstatement of Town Criers. We suggest opening the position of town crier instead of sending out student info emails. By taking away email, people will be able to look and appreciate the small scale charm of Gambier, instead of always looking at their phones or laptops. The position will be available through Symplicity at $8.25 an hour for approximately 6 hours a week.
- Make Chamber Pots Available to All Students. People need to get outside into the village more, and this is the perfect opportunity. Also, there are so many opportunities for new friendship when someone gets a chamber pot dumped out on their head walking past Farr Hall in the morning. And the best part? Think of the plumbing costs we would save!
- One Word: Dragons. Nothing brings a village together like fighting against a fiery demon. People will really feel a kinship to our humble village when they are forced to protect it against the flames of a giant hell beast. Also, dragons are cool as shit.
- The Inevitable Spread of the Black Plague. Because nothing encapsulates “the college experience” (or “the village experience”) like the sweet release of death.