How to Get Hot Brown Water For 75 cents


We’ve all seen this fascinating machine at one point or another on our way to print something in Gund Commons. It lives, covered in dust, constantly being passed by hundreds of students each day. One day, I thought the unthinkable – Can this machine actually be used? Does it dispense the Gourmet Coffee it advertises? I knew I had to find out.

Since I am in fact a staggeringly broke college student who is currently saving up for a bag of Doritos, I decided to narrow it down to two selections that would best represent the Vending Machine Coffee Experience™.

French Vanilla Latte

Cost: 80 cents for a regular size


While this latte was the cheapest I have ever bought anywhere in my entire life, I feel like “latte” doesn’t quite encapsulate the name. First off, as you can see a bit from the picture, there were bits of something floating in it that I couldn’t identify. The idealist in me says it’s milk powder, the cynic says I only have 24 hours to live.

Secondly, the taste held no coffee taste whatsoever even though I selected “strong” out of the options light, medium, and strong. The taste itself was like sink water from a particular shady gas station with some milk and sugar thrown together with a hint of vanilla.

Overall, I can definitely say my latte was an experience.

Gourmet House Blend Coffee

Cost: 75 cents for a large size


Once again, this is the cheapest coffee I’ve ever purchased. So I don’t know if you can tell, but the same stuff that was floating in my latte was floating in my regular coffee as well, even though I didn’t select milk to be in it. I am scared.

The color of the coffee was convincing, it looked like your average cup of diner or gas station coffee. If you look at it, you would be like “ah yes, this is clearly a cup of coffee.” If I blindfolded you and made you taste it, you would ask me why I gave you a cup of hot water. I’m serious. It didn’t taste bad because it didn’t taste like anything. I don’t even know what to do with that information.

I guess the take away from this adventure is that you literally get what you pay for.

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