The Friday Ketchup

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It’s the last day before Spring Break. That’s right, soon you’ll be sitting at home or at a beach or somewhere else relaxing and enjoying your downtime, forgetting about everything at Kenyon, including all that work that your professors assigned over break. That’s right, you won’t be reading that 300-page book for your English class, or that dense 50-page article for Political Science, and you definitely won’t be writing that paper due a few days after you get back from break. I mean, why would you? It’s not like once you get back it will all come crashing down on you like a pile of bricks, crushing your very soul along with your GPA. I’m sure it will be fine. Enjoy your break. You earned it. It’s The Friday Ketchup

At the Republican national debate on Thursday night, Donald Trump insinuated he does not, in fact, have a small penis.

Yeah.

Moving on, Congress pushed back against the FBI’s attempts to force Apple to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhones. Members called the move a “fool’s errand,” and an example of investigative overreach. A federal judge in New York ruled earlier in the week that the Bureau cannot compel Apple to open the device. Many experts have expressed fears that allowing the FBI to unlock the iPhones would set a dangerous precedent for citizen’s right to privacy.

Well, well, well, it looks like a bunch of old white men can’t figure out how to use a smartphone. What a surprise. Like, get with the times, gramps, it’s 2016! I mean, do we have to hold your hand for everything? Yes, I know you used to use a rotary telephone. Yes, I’m sure the switchboard operator was much nicer than Siri. But seriously, iPhones are not that hard!

A consumer suit filed this week against Wal-Mart claims the store sold parmesan cheese cut with a wood pulp filler. Tests on the product, which is advertised as 100% parmesan cheese, show it consists of as much as 10% cellulose, a wood-based anti-clumping agent.

What do these people want from Wal-Mart? Sure, the company may have lied a little bit, but at least the product was all-natural. I mean, wood pulp is about as natural as you can get! These damn hippie liberals are always trying to stir something up with businesses. They just can’t stand the thought of a company like Wal-Mart being the source of money for four of the fifteen richest people in the country. What do these people want the poor Waltons to do? Pay for breaking the law? Give their employees a livable wage? Please, when will the madness end?

Have a good break, y’all. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or anything I would do. Just don’t do anything.

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