If you’ve been to a party on campus recently, you may have noticed that students are staying at the venue longer. Instead of the twice-weekly migration to the watering hole known as the Cove, students are forced to socialize without the explicit intent of hooking up with someone into the wee hours of the morning. Now that clocks no longer strike Cove o’Clock, we have no way of knowing whether the person we’re talking to wants to touch tongues or is just being nice. There’s an easy solution, you cry, just ask! Wrong. Instead, I’ve compiled a list of ways to find a hookup now that the Cove is closed.
- Howl at the moon. Now, modern wolves have been using this technique for years, and somehow we’ve never caught on to its usefulness. Let’s say you wanna bone someone, but no one in mind? Throw your neck towards the sky and howl, bark, whatever it takes for someone to notice you. If you happen to hear a howl, use your acute sense of hearing to locate that esophagus. Howl directly into their ear so they know that you have chosen them.
- Stand in the Mcbride Breezeway. Position yourself equidistant between the two doors and pose this question to anyone entering or exiting the building: “Hello, yes, are you interested in hooking up?” If the answer is yes, you know what to do. Easy, breezy, beautiful. Breezeway! You can also do this in front of any dorm building.
- Go to the actual watering hole. But there’s no watering hole on campus! you say. Wrong. Definitely, totally wrong. While some people refer to the KAC pool as a “pool,” it is in fact a hole that has water in it, making it the best place on campus to attract people who are interested in aquatics and hydration – two things you definitely want to keep an eye on when scouting for mates. Stand by the hole, take a dip in the hole, or take a sip from the hole – all will signal to others that you are ready to bang bodies.
- Use semaphore flag signaling. Now, we’re all familiar with the semaphore flag signal system, used routinely by the US Marines and Navy. Take your flags (the brighter, the better) in either hand and wave them up and down. This tells others “error/attention.” While some people may be tempted to interpret this as a problem signal, the widespread adoption of semaphore across campus will quickly change that connotation to attention – as in, attention, hookups! I’m ready!
- Go to where the Cove used to be. The Cove building may be demolished, but they can’t demolish the purpose the place once had. Pretend like you’re in a building, fumble with your fake ID, and wait for all your potential mates to come through. Old habits die hard, after all.