Welcome back from break, kiddos. I hope you all got to spend some time tanning like I did. I sure do love peeling off the skin from every inch of my body, the intense satisfaction of it slowly detaching in my fingers. Like a molting snake I am born anew, tan and clean. All look in awe at my bronzed body, basking in my otherworldly glow. I have absorbed the Sun and taken its light. Darkness runs from me and the pale northern hordes are forced to shield their eyes from my brilliance. I am a golden god. Nothing can stop me. It’s the Friday Ketchup.

The Republican Party continued its slow implosion this week. Donald Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Ted Cruz’s wife and later retweeted an image unfavorably comparing Mrs. Cruz’s physical appearance to that of his wife. Cruz struck back, calling Trump a “sniveling coward.”

Look, I’m not going to defend Trump’s actions here. He probably shouldn’t have done that stuff. But who among us hasn’t made a mistake? I don’t see why we have to hold these public figures to such high standards. I mean, it’s not like Trump is running for the President of the United States or anything, right? If he were, he surely wouldn’t get away with doing things like this for long. The American people wouldn’t stand for it! Right? Right?

Microsoft was forced to shut down an artificial intelligence Twitter bot only a day after launching it. “Tay” was an AI meant to speak like a teenage girl with responses that develop as she had more conversation online. The experiment went awry, however, when the bot was flooded with profane tweets. Tay’s tweets quickly became filled with racist, sexist, and every-other-kind-of-awful-thing-you-can-think-of-ist language. Microsoft deleted most of the accounts tweets and shut it down.

The Microsoft team really screwed up here. I mean, what were they expecting when you unleashed the power of the Internet upon an innocent little bot like that? This is THE INTERNET we’re talking about here. Like it is literally the most vile, disgusting thing mankind has ever created. People create erotic art about children’s show characters, for Christ’s sake. Nothing good is on here. I would leave if I could, but it’s too late for me. You need to get out before its too late.

Today, Kraftwerk plays us out with a song about a different kind of awfulness we get with computers– crushing existential loneliness. Have a good weekend!