Squash Club Emails Lead to Mass Chaos, Zero Chill
Now that AllStu has fallen out of fashion, email battles are rare at best; the all-out Internet wars of years past have become nothing more than faded memories stored in the recesses of the class of 2016’s collective consciousness. Since the great crisis of 2013, the word “unsubscribe” has lost its luster, and nowadays, the name “Kenny Fedorko” barely rings a bell. We lived, we learned, and we moved on. Or so we thought.
In an effort to market their new line of gear, Kenyon’s own Squash Club played into the dormant, AllStu-induced anxieties of the college at large, using clickbait-esque subject headers to encourage students to read their emails. Titles like “***Nite Bites is BACK!!! *** (Nutella Milkshakes mmmm) ***” and “*New* Sendoff Outdoor Party Policy” failed to illicit any palpable response, save for a few brief posts on YikYak. However, as soon as the club name-dropped the Housing Lottery, all hell broke loose.
Over-stressed juniors were the first to snap, sending one-sentence messages of protest to everyone on the dis list. Then came a wave of jokesters whose blithe sarcasm only served to increase tension. An influx of “unsubscribes” and “mutes” and “stops” soon followed. One exasperated sophomore even provided a(n apparently unhelpful) link to a WikiHow page entitled “How to Calm Down.” Another student sent out a thoughtful and earnest plea for civility. (It was met with near impossible levels of irony from the faction of pranksters.) Finally, at 11 p.m. on Tuesday, March 29th, the nightmare came to a close; a cheerful student sent a simple “good night,” and that was that.
What implications does this resurgence of Internet conflict carry? It’s too early to tell. But hey, as long as no feelings are genuinely hurt and our inboxes remain (marginally) free of clutter, watching this shit is, without a doubt, entertaining as hell.
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