Squash Club Emails Lead to Mass Chaos, Zero Chill

via YikYak

via YikYak

Now that AllStu has fallen out of fashion, email battles are rare at best; the all-out Internet wars of years past have become nothing more than faded memories stored in the recesses of the class of 2016’s collective consciousness. Since the great crisis of 2013, the word “unsubscribe” has lost its luster, and nowadays, the name “Kenny Fedorko” barely rings a bell. We lived, we learned, and we moved on. Or so we thought.

In an effort to market their new line of gear, Kenyon’s own Squash Club played into the dormant, AllStu-induced anxieties of the college at large, using clickbait-esque subject headers to encourage students to read their emails. Titles like “***Nite Bites is BACK!!! *** (Nutella Milkshakes mmmm) ***” and “*New* Sendoff Outdoor Party Policy” failed to illicit any palpable response, save for a few brief posts on YikYak. However, as soon as the club name-dropped the Housing Lottery, all hell broke loose.

Over-stressed juniors were the first to snap, sending one-sentence messages of protest to everyone on the dis list. Then came a wave of jokesters whose blithe sarcasm only served to increase tension. An influx of “unsubscribes” and “mutes” and “stops” soon followed. One exasperated sophomore even provided a(n apparently unhelpful) link to a WikiHow page entitled “How to Calm Down.” Another student sent out a thoughtful and earnest plea for civility. (It was met with near impossible levels of irony from the faction of pranksters.) Finally, at 11 p.m. on Tuesday, March 29th, the nightmare came to a close; a cheerful student sent a simple “good night,” and that was that.

What implications does this resurgence of Internet conflict carry? It’s too early to tell. But hey, as long as no feelings are genuinely hurt and our inboxes remain (marginally) free of clutter, watching this shit is, without a doubt, entertaining as hell.

Have any thoughts about the Squash Club emails? Comment below!

10 responses

  1. idk I thought that the one message about it being abuse was pretty over the top, and was disrespectful and insensitive to those who have, like, actually been abused in the past. The emails were incredibly annoying and disrespectful, but legitimately abusive?

    • I think the person who sent that email was using “abusive”/”abuse” in the related but contextually different sense of the word, as in, this is a misuse of the residence hall email list. I’ll admit that the word carries a great deal of baggage, but it’s also incredibly common to see it in other contexts (like the phrase “abusing the system”). Also, the guy who sent that response also forwarded it to Sam Hughes and the director of Res Life, which seems like a reasonable thing to do, since Res Life is trying to handle the housing lottery and related stress. My own feelings about the email aside, making Res Life mad is just a bad idea on the part of Squash Club.

      • I thought that was arguably one of the dumber things to do – why did they copy reslife on an email where in the subject heading they were masquerading as reslife? And we hand degrees out to these people….

    • sorry – has a history of *not* putting people’s emotions and personal situations into perspective, if that wasn’t made clear.

    • It’s four kids who got cut from the soccer team sophomore year, I’m pretty sure. I just wish they would do their thing and not bother the entire school bout it.

  2. As the former co-manager for the Squash Club account from 2007-10, I’m proud that the club can still raise hell.

    Also, we were legit back then. I don’t know what is going on now.

    And bring back The Cove.

  3. Quality reporting, Gracie, these are the events we must immortalize in Thrill posts, much like the Allstu Wars of Old.

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