It’s crunch time, Kenyon.
Peirce is in crisis. Plastic cups are few and far between. Paper cups are dwindling, threatening to disappear altogether. Students have begun using bowls to deliver sweet blue Powerade to their mouths. Things have gotten so out of hand, the entire Greek system voted to make dairy the Greek Week theme. DAIRY. Clearly, something on campus has gone very wrong.
And what are we doing to alleviate our liquid-borne angst? Complaining on social media, badgering AVI workers and, perhaps most frighteningly, frequenting the library vending machine instead of confronting Peirce’s luscious soda dispensers. Our tactics are useless, and our problems remain.
Though it may be difficult to implement, there is only one true strategy for redemption: Identifying and using alternative cups. The first part of the process, identification, has already been graciously taken care of by yours truly. (You’re welcome, you’re welcome.) So, Kenyon, next time you find yourself reaching for a Powerade Bowl, try one of these options instead:
- Drink out of your friend’s mouth. Looking to reconnect with an old pal? Trying to forge a new friendship with someone neat? Celebrating the realization that all of the shame in your body has been purged due to your inescapable Kenyon-induced sadness? Pour some Pepsi Max into your buddy’s mouth and use their entire head as a cup! Bonus: friend lips are smoother than cup lips.
- Grab the Market’s dog water bowl and go to town. Take a little sip of that watery dog and you’ll find yourself immediately refreshed. You don’t even have to brave the servery for a drink!
- Use an old, old pizza box. Fill its crusty cardboard interior with as much Brisk iced tea as you can muster, stagger over to New Side and enjoy your grease-infused treat. Pro tip: old chunks of stale cheese make great garnishes!
- Turn your hollow soul into a flavor vessel. Springtime breeds emptiness, so take that deep, dark feeling you have inside and put some damn LEMONADE in that business. You won’t feel better, but you sure will taste good.
- Bring a different cup to Peirce. Any cup. Literally any other cup will work.