We’ll soon have a new library, that much is for sure. A new haven for books, big and smelly or small and smelly. And since we know that the administration is still taking suggestions on what this big fat bookhouse will look like, I thought I’d lay it all on the line. Libraries should be places of laughter and joy, where cacophonous howls of mirth constantly echo off the thick, loamy walls. Here are my ideas for making the new library as exciting as it should be:
- Fill the water fountains with slime. When thirsty students need water and press down on the cold metal lever, hoping only to sup from the cold clear stream of moisture, instead they’ll find a never-ending slime snake, thick and inedible! Fun!
- Sew whoopee cushions into all chairs, even the hard ones. If you don’t love fart noises that aren’t attached to real farts, please leave this silly lump of stone we call a campus.
- Put a red herring inside every mystery book. Are you unsure as to whether the book you’re reading is a mystery? Simply check inside the cover. If you find a small, putrid fish inside, it probably is!
- Install a saguaro cactus in every restroom, where people can hang their hats. Who wants to wear a hat in the restroom? Having a handy cactus nearby saves the entire student body the embarrassment of washing their hands whilst wearing a prized corduroy snapback. It’s 2016. It’s time to practice a little civility.
- Install biting posts. Students will inevitably be stressed in the library. Give them a venue in which they can safely gnaw at wooden fence posts without fear of having to pay for damages. Picking splinters out of raw, aching gums focuses the mind and centers the soul.