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The Friday Ketchup

April 22, 2016

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This is going 2 be a tough Friday Ketchup 4 me. I am still reeling from the death of Prince, one of the greatest musicians of all time. 2016 has been a terrible year in deaths so far. David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Merle Haggard, Antonin Scalia, Lemmy Kilmister, Glenn Frey, Nancy Reagan, Chyna, my pet Asian beetle Steve, and now Prince. As a tribute 2 his Purpleness, I will be spelling as he would throughout the Ketchup today. I hope U don’t mind. It’s the Friday Ketchup.

It was announced this week that Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill. Tubman, the famous former slave and abolitionist, will be front and center on the bill by 2020, with Jackson, moved 2 the back side.

Alright, that’s enough 4 political correctness. Sure, Harriet Tubman was an important lady, but why does she have 2 take the place of a man? Why can’t we just make a new dollar bill? 4 example, we could make a $7.80 bill and stick her face on that. I mean, Jackson wasn’t such a terrible guy. He might’ve been a slave-owning racist who tried 2 ethnically cleanse the entire eastern half of the United States by forcing all the Native Americans 2 move, a decision that was disastrous 4 them both culturally and population-wise, but we all have our faults. I just wish the old dead white guys could get a break 4 once.

On Wednesday, April 20th, more than 100 people showed up 2 a gas station in Dayton, Ohio 4 a Limp Bizkit concert, a concert that never happened and was never meant 2 happen. Rumors of the gig started when a Facebook page 4 a “secret show” at the Sunoco station appeared earlier this week. The even was completely fabricated, and the Dayton Police Department even tweeted that it was a scam, but people still turned up anyway.

Look, I’m from Dayton, and let me just say that I am not in the least bit surprised. Limp Bizkit are gods 2 us. They are the Beatles 4 our mid-sized Midwestern town. “Break Stuff” was the last song played at my prom. I know several people who named their kids “Fred” after Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit’s lead singer. Everyone walks around wearing backwards fitted hats still. I have the album art of Chocolate Stardust and the Hot Dog Flavored Water tattooed on my back. I think the least Limp Bizkit could do in response 2 this is play a free show in Dayton. Please. Fred, if ur reading this, U can stay at my place afterwards. My mom will give us pizza rolls and Mountain Dew 2 snack on.

To end the Friday Ketchup, here’s Prince performing one of his best songs:

I never wanted to be ur weekend lover, I only wanted to be some kind of friend.

 

 

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