The Friday Ketchup


This is the introduction to the Friday Ketchup. It’s the part of the feature where I usually go on about some unimportant event or create some vaguely funny story in an attempt to entertain you, my small readership. Ultimately, of course, nothing I write here really matters, and it will be forgotten by everyone, including myself, within a few hours. Such is the ephemeral nature of the written word on the Internet. All I can hope to do is write this piece for a few more weeks and then graduate, after which the Friday Ketchup will quickly be left behind, taking up storage space on a server somewhere, but not doing much else. Sure, I suppose someone may stumble upon one of these articles once in a while by accident, but they’ll move on even more quickly than you, picking it up and putting it down like a shell you find at the sea shore. It may be appreciated in the moment, but is soon forgotten for the next shell on a beach full of them. Though perhaps all we have are the moments, maybe that’s all there is. If we try to hold on to those moments, a million more pass us by. So I guess what I’m saying is: it’s the Friday Ketchup.

A man in New York was punched on the subway because he, quote, “look[ed] exactly like Shia LaBeouf.”LaBeouf, an actor who has starred in films such as Transformers, Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon, is known for bizarre exploits such as curating and attending a marathon screening of all of his films.

This is what’s wrong with people these days. You can’t just go around punching people because they resemble a famous actor. That’s absurd. Back in the day that never would’ve flown. If someone disliked an actor, they’d track down that actor and punch them in the face, not just some lookalike. Really give them a good shiner. There’s just no sense of a job-well-done or even any real work ethic anymore. That’s why this country’s going down the toilet.

John Boehner, at a speech at Stanford University this week, called Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” Boehner, the former Republican Speaker of the House, indicated he would rather vote for Donald Trump than Cruz, a Senator from Texas notorious for upsetting Republican leadership on Capitol Hill. He spared no punches when talking about Cruz, who he also referred to as a “miserable son of a bitch.”

Wow, strong words coming from a guy whose name sounds like a juvenile term for male arousal. Whatever happened to the days when men, especially politicians, refused to use this kind of language in public. I mean, for goodness sakes, there were probably women in that audience! Can you imagine speaking like that in front of the fairer sex! Truly great politicians refuse to debase themselves in such ways. This is what happens when filth like the Big Bang Theory is constantly streaming out of the television. I wish we could go back to the days of wholesome family shows like The Andy Griffith Show and Leave it to Beaver. Maybe then Boehner would know that kind of language is unacceptable.

The Friday Ketchup is over, or whatever.



One response

  1. On behalf of the fairer sex, thank you young man. Now get out there and tie one on like any self-respecting Senior in his final days of college. Cheers!

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