It is finally May. The sun is out, the birds are singing annoyingly loud at six in the morning, and that person that you embarrassed yourself sexually in front of is finally graduating. Things are looking up! And despite the occasionally torrential downpour of rain, the weather is finally nice. You can go for a hike, drift down the Kokosing in a raft, or take advantage of the clear skies to take a drive to the Mt. Vernon Premiere Theatre and sit in air-conditioning for two and a half hours to watch the biggest feature films Hollywood has to offer. And though we are all excited for Kenyon alum Ransom Riggs’ ’01 Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children opening this fall, I think there is a lot more Kenyon could offer the silver screen. So here are five of my most humble suggestions. (Call me, Hollywood.)
1. Captain Tacci: Return to Kenyon. In this feature film, our heroine Tacci Smith returns to Kenyon after a terrifying time away. She singlehandedly finds the Peirce cups and saves Sunset Cottage, all while feuding with her frenemy Iron Kane, when their administrative differences threaten to tear Kenyon apart.
2. Son of a Gund. A heartwarming comedy where high strung, career-oriented Graham Gund returns to Kenyon to plow down Farr Hall to create Stepford Housing. However, one brave PEAS member ties himself to the front of Farr to protest the act. The twist? The brave PEAS member is Gund’s long-lost son, who wants both to keep the quiet charm of Gambier, but also to reconnect with the father he never knew.
3. Graduation Day. A movie directed by Garry Marshall told through the intertwining stories of six seniors on the day of graduation. Will the indoor girl finally admit her feelings to the Delt she’s been crushing on since their first-year econ class? Will the film major reconcile with his estranged former advisor who felt betrayed by his major change? And will one Kenyon mother/alumna — played by Julia Roberts in a terrible wig — finally have that affair with P.F. Kluge she always dreamed about as a student? The twists and turns of this story… Will probably be pretty predictable, but you’ll enjoy taking your aunt anyway.
4. The Purge – Gambier. What do professors do when the students are away? Theft. Sex. Drugs. Murder. Watch as one untenured anthropology professor tries to protect her wife and family as a group of professors with endowed chairs try to steal everything she holds dear — including a draft of the book that would need to be reviewed by the tenure committee.
5. The Philanderer. In this Austen-like romantic comedy, the spirit of Philander Chase is a fish out of water when a Ouija board ritual goes wrong and he ends up inhabiting the body of a member of the Tabletop Club. His old-fashioned manners and beliefs are at odds with the Kenyon student populace today, especially when he tries to woo a woman from his 9:40 biology class. In this will-they, won’t-they, or exorcism-they comedy, Philander finds his place in 2016.