Renowned writer and editor Jack Quigley ’16 bathes in the freedom of an unregulated water supply.

We did it, Kenyon. We survived not one, but TWO water-related crises. We broke out our electric kettles and used them like we never had before. We ruined CHIPS water bottles and turned ordinary recycle bins into Snapchat-worthy installation art. We skillfully exploited a countywide problem solely affecting tap water, using it as an excuse to avoid classwork, KAC workouts and the terrifying behemoth that is Peirce Hall. We didn’t just survive; we THRIVED.

But now, the boil alert is over. And that’s pretty cool, too, wouldn’t you say? What? No? You miss the excitement of avoiding contaminated H2O at all costs? You miss the crunch of cheap water bottles as they crinkled and bent in your grasp? You miss the intrigue? The excitement? The thrill of it all?

Let me remind you: This boil alert was a heckin’ nuisance. You can do so many great and good things now that it’s over. Do I need to spell them out for you? Fine. I will, but only because I have to.

1. You can experience a finals week-induced existential crisis… with a glass of sweet, sweet water by your side! Finally, you can properly rehydrate after a good old fashioned sob session! Thank God! My eyes were beginning to crust over!
2. You can stop standing in the rain open-mouthed for hours on end, hoping to catch a few precious drops of life juice! I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but it looked weird and it made me a little bit uncomfy! Now you can stop doing it!
3. You can act like a puppy again! Drinking out of the toilet? Biting at a stream of shower water? Rolling around in mud? Sniffing? That’s right, they’re all fair game!
4. You can stop posting on Yik Yak about the f***ing boil alert! It’s old news now, n00bs! Go back to posting about your sexual frustration and finals week workload like a normal person!
5. You can neglect any and all work you have to do in favor of drinking glass after glass of tap water! Gotta stock up before the next boil alert hits, kids! If anyone asks why you won’t stop guzzling water, simply tell them that you can’t afford to take a break. After all, who knows when the privilege to drink without restraint will be taken from you again?