Kenyon is a hierarchy: A big, green, leafy hierarchy of human students who are judged and ranked and treated differently based on how good they are. Some students are great; some are very bad. This is the one true Kenyon Law. No one can change it.
Look around you. Do you see how everyone is looking you up and down, raising their eyebrows and shaking their heads? That’s because they’re carrying out Kenyon Law. You’re being ranked, right here, right now, and your prospects aren’t looking too great.
None of that matters, though, because I’m better than you. And I’m gonna prove it.
- I’ve been on this campus much longer than you. I’ve been a student here at Kenyan Collage for years and years and years. I’ve climbed all the way up inside every single tree. I’ve shaken hands with every professor, even the secret basement ones they don’t tell you about. I’ve eaten six whole truckloads of Peirce’s soups du jour. I’ve walked up and down Middle Path so many times that my Birkenstocks are just thin, sweaty strips of cork. You will never know Kenyon as well as I do, so you might as well give up now.
- I’m old enough to buy adult drinks with big people money. You know the money your parents get? I get that same money, and I’m old now so I can spend it on big, sweaty cocktails. I can tell any bartender at any bar to “toss me a slick one, Jimeny” and they’ll do it, no questions asked. I’ve had everything from a Short Heavy in New Buffalo to a Slime Daddy in San Diego. You simply cannot catch up to me.
- I’ve talked the talk with the best of ’em. I took at least six business calls with real professionals just this week. We talked shop, we shot the breeze and we slapped five, all right there over the phone. Yesterday, the founder of LinkedIn emailed me and told me that a hundred thousand companies had messaged me with job offers. “I guess your profile was just too good and also written real great,” he said. Face it: You’ll never network like me.
- I memorized all the jokes. Did you think you could be the funny kid on campus? Too late, nerd. I already stored all the jokes that exist in the whole world right up here in my iron-clad noggin. As soon as you start to quip and giggle with your newfound college pals, I’ll be right behind you, whipping out all the appropriate goofs before you can even open your mouth. Who’s the funny one now?
- I know where the Cove is. And you’re never gonna find it. It’s safe with me.