Kenyon Zodiac: Peirce Foods
Hello my baby bois. How was your summer? Did you work full time at a Baskin Robbins, too? That’s crazy! But hey, do you rely on your horoscope to dictate personality traits and/or relationships in your life? Have you ever eaten at Peirce? If you answered yes to one of these questions, then listen up! Here are the star signs as Peirce food.
Aries- Vegetarian Miso Infused Noodles. An overly confident (and salted!) dish that loves to feel a little adventurous. Stay hydrated though, Aires. Love yourself.
Taurus- Fruit! Any fruit! When things get crazy, people can always count on good ol’ fruit to make it all seem okay. You have your good days (sweet sweet bananas thank GOD) and the weird ones (is this an apple…pear?) but people love you.
Gemini- Nothing. You’re still waiting in the Fusion line. Is that omelet really worth it? Is it?
Cancer- Deconstructed sushi. A little overzealous at times, but ultimately harmless. People love taking photos of you and posting them online–you’re that funny college friend that people show off to relatives.
Leo- Macaroni & cheese with hot dog pieces. You’re a little wild and guaranteed to make everyone’s day a whole lot better. Or worse. You can’t win ’em all.
Virgo- Amish granola. Where did you come from? Why are you always here? You’re the reliable, modest old friend that’s always there for your friends. Don’t let people overlook you, you are important!
Libra- Trusty Salad Bar. Easygoing and peaceful, you’ll never regret a moment with the salad bar’s timeless charm. Also, don’t let people underestimate you, you’re full of surprises! Like water chestnuts! Damn!
Scorpio- Bottle of Sriracha. Congratulations. You are the hot, mysterious friend. Yeah yeah.
Sagittarius- Hash brown triangles. So fun and carefree. Sagittarius will keep you happy forever. Don’t overexert yourself at meal times. (author’s note: on the real, don’t eat ONLY hash brown triangles for a meal. your body will be mad and you will take a 4 hour nap at 2:45pm by accident and your roommate will think you died and you will wake up thinking it’s the next morning. trust me.)
Capricorn- Steamed kale. A dish to hang with when you want to feel smart, powerful, ambitious. Kale has its life together and will inspire you to do the same. (At least for a little while until they turn your poop green. Don’t ask me how, this is a weird analogy.)
Aquarius- Eggplant Parmesan. A loyal, comforting dish. You won’t realize how much you appreciate it until it’s gone. You are worth the wait!
Pisces- Baha Fish Tacos. Get it? This works because Pisces is a fish. Fish tacos. Alright byeeeeeee.