Each week we get anonymous submissions from eager and curious individuals intent learning ~Kenyon~ party etiquette. Today, we bring you answers to these queries. Today, we bring you Party Girl.
Dear Party Girl,
This weekend my roommate’s boyfriend’s best friend of three days says there might be a party in New Apt B7. I feel weird because I don’t know what to bring? Any advice for my first apartment party?
Dear New Girl,
Hey, what’s up? This is a great question. First and foremost, you gotta show some respect to the host. Bring the essentials: Your toothbrush/toothpaste, any necessary medication, and a sleep mask! This is a sleepover, right? Also, you need to bring old pictures of your family/ancestors. The older the better! How else are you going to fall asleep on the cold, carpeted floor?
Finally, let’s talk about your entrance. Walk in, with a cloak or shawl covering the necessary identifiers of your facial features. Then, use your long cane (your mom told you that you’d never use it but look at you now!) to announce your presence. Slam it to the ground twice – exactly twice!! – and state your name clearly and loudly. Articulate.
Now, you are ready.